TheDC Satire: As her efforts to prove that she has Cherokee ancestry became increasingly desperate, Democratic Massachusetts Senate candidate Elizabeth Warren reached out to a Native American leader earlier this month and asked for help. The Daily Caller has exclusively obtained the emails Warren sent to, and received from, the Native American leader, and they are reprinted here for the first time, in their entirety, and without comment.
FROM: Elizabeth Warren
TO: Undisclosed recipient
Date: May 1, 2012
Great Father,
As I’m sure you know by now, my opponent – a white man – disputes my connection to the tribe and our native soil. As our people say, “something only lives as long as the last person who remembers it,” which is why I need your help.
We struggle now to overcome the white man’s lies, but their untruths spread like great wildfires across the plains.
Scott Brown’s family history is written in blood, while ours lives in the oral tradition of our people. Now I need official identification to prove myself. Can you help me prove that we are kin?
– Sister Liz
FROM: Ted O’Connell
TO: Elizabeth Warren
Date: May 2, 2012
Howdy Hao Sister Liz,
It seems like you’re in quite the predicament! Fortunately, I think we at Cherokee Ted’s Resort and Casino can be of service.
We offer several special packages, but the one I think the one you might be interested in is the Authentic Cherokee Warrior Weekend. For $325.99 for the weekend, you and a companion will get a room, full access to the resort and casino, a special headdress, face paint and — perhaps most importantly for you — an authentic “I’m a Ted’s Cherokee Warrior” certificate and t-shirt. For an extra $25, we can upgrade you to the “chief” package, which includes priority access to the buffet reserved for the tribe’s most revered sages.
Remember, everything at Cherokee Ted’s Resort and Casino is tepee-riffic. Hope to see you here soon!
Best,
Chief Ted “Tomahawk Teddy” O’Connell
CEO and Founder
Cherokee Ted’s Resort and Casino
FROM: Elizabeth Warren
TO: Ted O’Donnell
Date: May 4, 2012
Great Father,
Thank you for you assistance — this should really help me scalp Scott Brown in November. I feel certain that my ancestors would be proud. Tell me: Is a vision quest, preferably with a medicine man, included in this package?
– Sister Liz
FROM: Ted O’Connell
TO: Elizabeth Warren
Date: May 6, 2012
Sister Liz!
I’m glad the spirits have brought us together again. But to be honest, I’m not precisely sure what the fiddlesticks you’re talking about. But let me take a shot at hitting the target with my bow and arrow.
We do have a registered nurse on premise 24/7, but as much as it pains me, she unfortunately conforms to the white man’s ways. So while she isn’t a traditional “medicine man,” she can get you aspirin if you have a headache.
On another note, I do want to alert you to an awful rumor being spread by Chief Sal Napolitano of Seminole Sal’s Casino Pow Wow. He’s been telling potential customers that I’m not an authentic Indian. But just like you shouldn’t ever accept blankets from British colonists, you shouldn’t accept anything Seminole Sal spouts as fact. Believe you me: I paint with all the colors of the wind.
Hope to see you around these parts soon.
Best,
Chief Ted “Tomahawk Teddy” O’Connell
FROM: ELizabeth Warren
TO: Ted O’Connell
Date: May 6, 2012
Drop the shit, Teddy — can you help me get the documentation or not?
FROM: Ted O’Connell
TO: Elizabeth Warren
Date: May 9, 2012
Bad news Sister Liz. As I write this, I’m drinking a stiff glass of firewater while the FBI raids my offices. As hard as it is to believe, Cherokee Ted’s Resort and Casino is crumbling to the ground.
The Feds are claiming that I am not a real Indian! Despite my protestations that my beloved mother, Colleen O’Connell, assured me that my great-great grandma, Claire O’Leary, was a full-blooded Indian and despite the fact no one can deny that I have perfect Indian cheekbones, the government isn’t buying it. In fact, they are claiming I committed a felony (or, more precisely, several felonies). It looks like I might be heading to that maximum security tepee called the federal penitentiary.
Just kidding!
Boy, it sounds like someone needs to take a few puffs of a peace pipe. Fortunately, Cherokee Ted’s offers an authentic peace pipe ceremony experience for just $150 — or free of charge if you spend 4 hours or more playing blackjack in the casino at $25 a hand.
If you reserve the ceremony now through me, I’ll even throw in an authentic-looking Cherokee Indian feather for your headdress. Who could possibly deny your Indian heritage if you wear it during debates?
All the best,
Ted “Tomahawk Teddy” O’Connell
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