It’s a good thing I’m not Vice President, for a lot of reasons. But I know I’d be able to handle this one better than Biden.
A Wisconsin boy wrote Vice President Joe Biden with an unusual suggestion for making the nation safer: Create guns that shoot chocolate bullets.
On Monday, he got an unusual response: A handwritten note from Biden on vice presidential stationery.
The response thrilled the child, a 7-year-old second-grader, along with his classmates and staff at Downtown Montessori Academy in Milwaukee…
The student, Myles, wrote to Biden, President Barack Obama and U.S. Rep. Gwen Moore several months ago…
Myles had been having lunch with the school’s reading specialist, Barbara Rankin, when he told her he had an idea.
“He said if we have chocolate bullets, nobody would get hurt and nobody would be sad,” Rankin said. “I’m going to start crying again because he was so insightful…”
Then an envelope from Biden’s office arrived Monday at the school office…
“Dear Myles,” the letter said. “I’m sorry it took me so very long to respond to your letter. I really like your idea. If we had guns that shot chocolate, not only would our country be safer, it would be happier. People love chocolate. You are a good boy, Joe Biden.”
Adorable. And, of course, wrong.
If I ever got a letter like this, here’s what I’d write back…
Dear Myles,
That’s a really nice sentiment. You seem like a sweet kid. Chocolate bullets, that’s cute.
Yeah, but that scenario wouldn’t really work out, though. Here’s why:
Let’s say a bad guy breaks into your house one night. You know about bad guys, right? I’m not going too fast for you, am I? So, yeah, a bad guy breaks in, because he wants to steal from your Mommy and Daddy, or hurt them, or hurt you, or something bad like that. It’s not fun to think about, but this is the world we live in, kid.
Your daddy wakes up because the bad guy is making noise. After getting his gun that shoots chocolate bullets, your daddy goes downstairs to confront the bad guy. To protect you and your mom.
“What are you doing in my house?” says your daddy. “Get out of here or I’ll shoot!”
“Big deal,” laughs the bad guy, who is in your house doing bad things. “Everybody knows guns only shoot chocolate bullets. Ooooohhhh, I’m soooooo scared.” (The bad guy is being sarcastic. He’s not really scared.)
The bad guy starts coming toward your daddy, to hurt him. Your daddy then shoots the bad guy in the chest, splattering him with chocolate. The bad guy gets really irritated because now he’s got chocolate all over him, so he beats your daddy to death with a table lamp and does something bad to your mom and steals all your stuff.
So now your daddy is dead, and your mommy’s job isn’t enough to pay the mortgage or buy you a new Wii or anything, and you have to move into a small apartment in a new town because she has PTSD and can’t be around anything that reminds her of that place, and she’s got an even crappier, lower-paying job than the one she had before, and nobody wants to date her because she’s got a kid and she’s a nervous wreck, and she starts drinking a lot, and she takes it all out on you even though she hates herself for it, and eventually you end up running away and turning tricks to survive, and one night you get knifed by a john in an alley, and the murder is never solved because the cops are all just standing around fiddling with their chocolate-stained holsters.
And that’s why guns that shoot chocolate bullets are a really stupid idea.
You need to start thinking about these things before you say them, son. Otherwise, you are going to get your ass kicked by life, and I mean daily.
Signed,
Vice President Reality
P.S. Wait. Montessori, huh? Well, that explains it.
I know, right? Too cutesy? Ahh, he’s just a little kid. No sense getting too harsh.
(Hat tip: Daniel Halper)
