In this day and age, there are plenty of terrible people who are super famous, including Lena Dunham, Kim Kardashian, Kanye West (love you, Kanye, mean it!), and any Real Housewife of [enter name of an embarrassed city here], to name a few.
But there are two people who are SO AWFUL but SO FAMOUS that they are in a category all by themselves.
These two people have made the biggest contributions to the downfall of modern society due to their petulant, tongue-wagging, butt-crack exposing ways. They have a combined age of 49 and a combined weight of 150 pounds, but their diminutiveness belies their ability to make everything worse.
These people are Miley Cyrus and Justin Bieber. Here, The Daily Caller analyzes the careers, love lives, questionable behavior, body art and social media habits of these two young pop stars to determine which one is actually The Worst. (It’s incredibly scientific.)
MUSIC
Cyrus: Post-Hannah Montana, Cyrus’ modern-day career all started in 2009 with “Party in the USA,” the song that you won’t admit that you have in your iTunes library right now. It was a completely harmless, catchy little summer anthem. Now, Miley sings about twerking and doing Molly and doing it. Much more offensive than her suggestive lyrics is her grammatically incorrect album called “Bangerz,” which features a song that has a #hashtag in the title. A HASHTAG IS NOT A REAL THING LET ALONE A TITLE OF A SONG.
The sad thing is that she can actually sing very well in a twangy, Nashville sort of way, but for some reason she doesn’t want anyone to know that.
Bieber: Like Michael Jackson before him, Bieber has a slew of pop hits that are basically catchy and inoffensive. His musical style isn’t great or even that good, but you’re not going to yell at the radio if one of his songs comes on; it’s really not that bad. Can he sing? Probably not. But he’s a fairly good dancer and performer. He’s not reinventing the wheel here, but he also isn’t breaking it into a million pieces. The Biebs ALSO has a song with a #hashtag in its title, so this is clearly a trend.
Who’s music is worse? It’s a tie.
BODY ART
Cyrus: She has a total of 21 tattoos and counting, including the words ROLLING and STONE on the bottom of each of her feet, LOVE in her ear, a cross and several more doodles on her fingers, a dreamcatcher down her torso, DaVinci’s anatomically correct heart drawing on her arm, an anchor on her wrist and a Teddy Roosevelt quote down her forearm because OF COURSE.
Bieber: As of publication, Bieber has 20 tattoos, but he likes to get them every few months and many of them are religious and elaborate. He has an Indian in a headdress on his shoulder, a lion on his arm, an owl on his other arm, a crown on his chest, a portrait of Jesus on his calf, a knight and a portrait of his mother’s eye on his arm — which could be sweet if it wasn’t so weird — and many, many more.
Who’s tattoos are worse? Bieber’s.
QUESTIONABLE BEHAVIOR
Cyrus: If you were to base your opinion of Miley off of tabloid stories and photos alone, you’d probably get the impression that she is acting like an obnoxious, attention-seeking idiot. That’s because she is acting like an obnoxious, attention-seeking idiot. But if you actually read or watch what she has to say in interviews, she is fairly well-spoken and thoughtful. That still doesn’t make up for the fact for what she did at the VMA’s, nor the fact that she is letting her ass hang out at 8 a.m. on “Today” and sticking her tongue out all over the place.
Bieber: From peeing in a bucket at a restaurant, to making your bodyguards carry you up the Great Wall of China and claiming that Anne Frank would have been a Belieber, and indirectly causing a paparazzo’s death, he has proven to be a spoiled little brat.
Who’s questionable behavior is worse? Bieber’s.
LOVE LIFE
Cyrus: Miley was previously engaged to “Hunger Games” hunk Liam Hemsworth. The two got engaged when they were 19 and 22, respectively, so clearly that didn’t work out. He is a pretty big deal and Hollywood seems hell-bent on making him a big movie star. Get it, Miley.
Bieber: He and Selena Gomez have dated on and off, and while she is a pretty Big Deal in the teeny pop world, she probably won’t last long.
Who’s love life is worse? When you’ve already broken off an engagement before you can (legally) drink, you lose. Sorry, Miley.
CELEBRITY ENEMIES
Cyrus: Sinead O’Connor wrote a long letter to Miley on her blog asking her to tone it down and stop being such an idiot. Miley called her crazy in return, so Sinead wrote her another long letter. Zzzzzzz.
Bieber: There is video of Bieber looking at a framed picture of former President Bill Clinton and yelling “Fuck you” directly at his likeness. They talked it out, but we doubt Bill is a Belieber.
Who’s celeb enemy is worse? Miley’s. Getting into a beef with Sinead O’Connor is just lame and kind of sad, while getting into a beef will Slick Willy is hilarious and pretty awesome.
SOCIAL MEDIA HABITS
Going through their Twitter accounts is far too mind-numbing. Sorry.
Whose tweets are worse?: It’s a tie.
HAIR CUT
It’s a tie. They’re the exact same.
Bottom line: It’s not quite what we were expecting, but this intensive research proves that Justin Bieber is actually The Worst. You’re off the hook, Miley!