A modest proposal for the Washington Redskins
In a surprising turn-around, Washington Redskins owner Daniel “ya don’t hafta be smart to be rich” Snyder shocked the sporting world by announcing today that the Washington Redskins have finally caved in to overwhelming media pressure. Following the current NFL season, the “Skins” will renounce the controversial nickname by which the fabled sports franchise has been known for most of the last 80 years.
Snyder summed up the decision at a hastily called news conference, “It simply didn’t make sense to continue to offend Native Americans by comparing their brave heritage to our terrible performance, or anyone else with a name that no longer described our franchise, our fans or even the National Capital Region. For all those reasons, I have decided that the team will hereafter be known as The Washington Hos. We will launch the re-naming campaign in time for Christmas, when Ho-Ho-Ho makes for a natural tie-in.”
Snyder added that the team’s poor on-field performance forced the issue. Their most recent defeat — a 900-0 drubbing by the Denver Broncos led by Peyton Manning who played the entire game left-handed – was the real name-changer. “Look, we have nothing left to be proud of,” said Snyder, appearing visibly dejected. “Our only possible options were to change our name or to leave town. And the mortgage on FedEx field still has another half-century left to run. They’ll figure out Obama-care before we have that turkey paid off.”
Another Redskins Vice President, speaking only under a grant of anonymity, added that The Hos represented a more accurate and hopefully less controversial moniker for the team. “You see, most of our season ticket-holders work for the Federal government. That means they have no control over their lives, work for peanuts and will do absolutely anything their bosses tell them, from enforcing sequestration to shutting down veterans memorials. Some may even work for the IRS. See my point?”
Jerry Sheisskopf, current Vice President of Fan Membership, was one of the few Redskins officials willing to speak on the record to reporters. “Hey, this was really a no-brainer when you remember that most of our mezzanine suites as well as any box seats between the 40-yard lines are paid for by lobbyists and members of Congress. For them, The Washington Hos is a term they’re already used to. It might even be a step up after some of the nicknames they’ve been hearing recently.”
Daniel Snyder, responding to frenzy of reporter questions, denied that his team’s new name had any sexual or sexist overtones. “To me The Hos is simply a descriptive term for the team that will now represent Washington, DC. Evil to him who evil thinks, you know? But I think the whole country can rally behind a team which decides to be honest about what really takes place inside the Beltway. If the Dallas Cowboys were America’s Team in the last century, then shouldn’t the Tweeners and the Now Generation appreciate the Washington Hos?”
Grumper de Nervquist, president of Americans Firmly Opposing All Taxation, applauded Snyder’s choice. “It is high time that someone in Washington stood up and acknowledged what the rest of the country already knows. Unlike Las Vegas, what goes on here doesn’t stay here. Except of course for our incomprehensible tax code, which has a half-life measured in centuries.”
However, Emilie Puppenhausen-Schmick, professor of government and women’s studies at American University, said she was appalled by the team’s new nick-name. “This was a joke, right? Are the boys still acting like boys? Or has the concussion epidemic now spread to the owners?”
NFL High Commissioner Roger Goodell displayed his trademark frown throughout the Snyder press conference. But Goodell pointedly declined to take a position on the new nickname. “The league owners will take all this under advisement. Wearing pink shoes to fight breast cancer is one thing. But changing the franchise name from Redskins to Hos will be an even tougher decision than instant replays, cut-blocks or annihilating defenseless receivers. And everybody had opinions on them!”
Author’s Note: I write this as a former Fedex Field season ticket holder under Coach Norv – and one of the team’s few fans in Texas Cowboy Country. So my serious point is not to suggest re-christening the Redskins with the only name that might cause even more trouble than their present one. But with team fortunes now running at historic lows, surely this is the right moment to end the madness with a long-overdue change to football’s equivalent of The Boy Named Sue. But don’t call them The Hos. Instead, consider Hookers, Fixers, or Lobbyists: Same idea of course but much easier on the ears.
Now a rookie Texan living in San Antonio, Colonel Ken Allard (USA,Ret.) is a former NBC News military analyst and author on national security issues.