SHOCKING Investigation Reveals Ohio State University’s Marching Band Is Filled With Depraved Perverts

Emma Colton Deputy Editor
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After a two-moth investigation, Ohio State University’s marching band director was fired when a slew of highly sexual and kinky hazing rituals were brought to school officials’ knowledge.

Jonathan Waters got the boot Thursday when the university discovered that the marching band director was enabling his bevy of pervy music students to indulge in devious sexual hazing, according to The Columbus Dispatch. The report claims that Waters knew of the sexual and offensive traditions, but chose to ignore complaints.

Most notably, the investigation claims that the “Best Damn Band in the Land” would often assign raunchy nicknames to members of the 225-person band after the students would perform “tricks,” according to a Deadspin article. In order to earn a racy pet name, students would have to perform on command an array of sexually explicit acts — more ambitious band geeks reportedly performed the tricks on their own accord.

The university’s report states that one female student endearingly known as “Squirt,” would sit on fellow band member’s laps and pretend to orgasm. On “make the Band night” the determined students really wanted to make the band cut so she sat “on her younger brother’s lap pretending to orgasm,” the official report states.

The investigation revealed that new band members, known as “rookies,” would be assigned the raunchy names by upperclassmen as a form of hazing. Other noteworthy nicknames stated in the in the school’s report are: “Jizzy,” “Tiggles,” “Jewoobs” — given to a Jewish student with large breasts — “Tits McGee” and “Captain Dildo.”

The investigation also uncovered a booklet given to band members with vulgar fight songs about other universities. The ballads include the “Penn State Fight Song,” which depicts Ohio State sodomizing virgins at Penn State’s Happy Valley campus, “Come Blow us M*ch*g*n,” which commands the Michigan school to perform oral sex on Ohio State students, and even a little ditty entitled “Proud to be a Homosexual” which made fun of gay sex and people suffering with AIDS.

Waters is the only person who has been reprimanded for the hazing due to his lack of addressing various complaints, but according to The Columbus Dispatch, this type of depraved behavior has been going on for a long time. (RELATED: Fancy A Fanoodle? And Other Strange Sex Slang)

“This has been going on. Waters did not start this — it’s a culture that’s been going on for a long time under everybody,” witness to the band’s lewd behavior back in the 1970s, Diana Gilmore, told The Dispatch.