DC Trawler

Pandas Finally Make Their Move Against Mankind

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I’ve been warning you people for years. But did you listen? Did you heed my prophecy about the looming panda menace? No, you did not. And now these two-tone Hitlers of the animal kingdom are finally striking at the heart of our nation’s capitol.

When I say “National Zoo,” what’s the first thing that comes to your mind? Yeah, me too. Repulsive. Well, now you can add a second item to that list: “Explosions.”

NBC Washington:

Hazmat crews responded to the Smithsonian’s National Zoo in Northwest D.C. after a chemical explosion in a mechanical building Thursday.

No people or animals were injured in the chlorine explosion, which happened around 11 a.m. at the American Trail, one of the zoo’s newer areas.

Wow, what a coincidence.

This is your doing, pandapologists. These furry terrorists know they’re dying out, and they’re determined to take as many of us with them as their adorable little paws can manage. They don’t know kung fu, but they know chlorine.

Spare me your excuses, you traitors: “C’mon, man, you sound nuts. How could pandas do this? They don’t have opposable thumbs, let alone chemical-weapons training!” Oh, they don’t? Really? You’re just going to ignore the evidence right in front of your eyes?

The time is now. This is where we make our stand. All pandas must die.

Or at least stop putting them on t-shirts. Please?