DC Trawler

Google Unveils Plans For Self-Driving Flypaper-Covered Nightmare Car

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If you’re a longtime reader of my blog — which I suppose is possible — you may know that shortly after I joined the Daily Caller, a State Department “security” agent named Mike McGuinn hit me with his armored SUV while I was crossing the street in Washington, DC. He shattered my knee, and I was thrown into the middle of the street. It was not the best evening.

But what if I’d been spared the indignity of getting launched into the air and landing on my big fat face? What if, instead of writhing around in agony on the pavement, I was able to writhe around in agony on the hood of his vehicle? What if I’d been stuck there like a bug?

The dream is real, thanks to our selfless caregivers at Google. Alyssa Newcomb, ABC News:

Google has a solution to help mitigate injuries in the event a pedestrian and a self-driving car collide: human flypaper.

In a patent issued this week, the search giant describes a “system for protecting a colliding object from a secondary impact, after an initial impact with a vehicle.”

The patent calls for a giant sticker to be placed on the front end of a vehicle, with a special coating over the layer that is only broken when something collides with the vehicle, exposing the adhesive and helping the colliding object to remain on the vehicle.

To paraphrase Rorschach from Watchmen: I’m not stuck on this car with you. You’re stuck in this car with me!

I guess I can see why this would help. When I got thrown from the grille of that illegally operated government SUV back in 2010, it spun me around and I flew through the air, skidding on the street on my face. I was lucky I didn’t bust my head open or break my neck. The idea here is to prevent those sorts of secondary injuries.

Sure, being peeled off the hood of a car like it’s a roach motel would suck, but maybe you’d be more likely to survive and get a good story out of it.

Or it could be a grueling nightmare for seriously injured pedestrians. Either way, self-driving cars are a really bad idea for many reasons. Mainly because I don’t trust these people: