DC Trawler

NIH Spends $50K To Figure Out Why Drunk College Students Get Fat

Back when I went to college in the early 1800s, we called it the “Freshman 10.” Y’know, that extra bit of pudge you tended to collect after a few months of partying. Thanks to America’s constantly evolving standards of beauty, and our increasing reluctance to do anything that might burn a calorie, that has been upgraded to the “Freshman 15” or even the “Freshman 20.” For all we know, students in the darkest reaches of the upper Midwest might even experience the “Freshman 50.”

That’s where Science™ comes in. Thanks to Science™, we no longer need to wonder why young people living without parental supervision for the first time, subsisting on a diet of cheap beer and various brands of pizza rolls, might pack on a few pounds. The great mysteries of the universe are revealed, thanks to Science™!

Elizabeth Harrington, Washington Free Beacon:

The National Institutes of Health is spending over $50,000 to study whether college students eat junk food when they drink.

The two-year study rests on the hypothesis that “heavy drinking may lead to unhealthy eating habits surrounding drinking episodes.” The study also will “determine whether heavy alcohol use contributes to weight gain among college freshmen…”

The project has cost taxpayers $56,698. The NIH has already poured over $1.5 million into studying the so-called “freshmen 15…”

The goal of the project is to develop an “intervention” for college students who eat junk food when they drink.

“Whoa, dude, you’re totally wrecked. Here, have a carrot!”

Without Science™ — more specifically, taxpayer-funded Science™ — how would we ever know whether fat drunks eat unhealthy foods, or why? How could anyone ever intervene without Uncle Sam’s helping hand in their wallet?

What I’m asking, teabaggers, is this: Why do you hate Science™?