The French call it l’esprit de l’escalier; staircase wit, or the predicament of thinking of the perfect reply too late. Fortunately, after Monday’s debate, Trump has not one but two more chances to sink the Hillary garbage barge. Hillary 5.0, version 3, kept her programmers busy cramming new memory into a shot motherboard, but at least she passed the Turing test by expirating “trumped up, tickle-down” economics and the “Trump loophole.” SNL she ain’t, but give the crone credit, at least she tried to prepare, which is more than we can say for you, Donny.
In my own esprit de corps, let me offer a few lines to feed Ms. Priggy at your next debate:
On the Treatment of Women:
“Yes, Hillary, I may have said some unkind things, which I regret, but there is one thing I haven’t done to women – I haven’t stood over the flagged-draped coffins of their husbands, dead because of my incompetence, and lied to their faces about who killed them and why. I haven’t gone out and called the Benghazi widows liars for accurately reporting what I said.”
“I treat women in the workplace like men. I expect them to be tough enough to take it, which is one reason, among many, Hillary, why I would never hire you.”
“Seriously, we’re discussing my treatment of women after all you’ve done to publicly trash the women your husband slept with?”
On Business, Taxes or Wealth:
“You can speculate about my net worth or how much I pay in taxes if you like, but know this: every penny I made, I earned. I’m not out there collecting $200,000 for 30 minute speeches to Wall Street fat cats, or promising special government favors to million-dollar Clinton Foundation donors.”
“You said you left the White House dead broke. Now you and your husband are worth over one hundred million dollars. That charity work is really paying off!”
“I am proud to be rich. I’d be prouder still to make America rich. We were once, and I will make us rich again. But when I buy something, or when I pay for a service, I use my own money. I don’t jet all over the world living the high life by embezzling from a foundation set up to aid the poor.”
On Foreign Policy:
“You didn’t know what you were doing in Russia, which led to war. You didn’t know what you were doing in Libya when you started a war. You didn’t know what you were doing in North Korea when they tested two nuclear weapons this year. You tried to hand over Egypt to the Muslim Brotherhood. You did hand over Iraq to ISIS. You gave billions of dollars to Iran to spend on terrorism, and got nothing in return. If I had your record of foreign policy failure, I wouldn’t be asking for a promotion, I’d be asking for forgiveness.”
On Jobs and the Economy:
“We tried throwing tax payer money at job creation. It was called the “Stimulus Package”. It wasted $800 billion dollars of people’s hard earned money. That’s what Hillary wants more of, not because she thinks it will work, but because she loves spending other people’s money to buy votes, and rake in bribes – excuse me – donations to the Clinton Foundation.”
“Clinton-Obama economic policies have given us the weakest economic recovery in our lifetimes, and doubled the national debt. If that’s what you want, vote Hillary.”
On the Moderators:
“Nice try, [insert name]. I know all your friends in the media are threatening your job if you don’t hurt me and help her, but try not to make it so obvious.”
On Emails and the Clinton Foundation:
“There’s a reason why Hillary erased 30,000 work-related emails – which is destruction of evidence, a felony. She did it to cover up her pay-to-play operation whereby big donors to the Clinton Foundation received special favors worth billions from the Clinton State Department. Just to cite one example, twenty countries – many in the Middle East with terrible human rights records, especially towards women – gave tens of millions of dollars to the Clinton Foundation. In return, these countries were approved by the Clinton State Department for hundreds of billions of dollars in arms sales – tanks, aircraft, you name it. Those sales represented a doubling of U.S. arm sales to those countries when compared to the Bush administration. The word went out: all you have to do is bribe Hillary Clinton and she’ll get you whatever you want.”
“Hillary, your foundation is a fraud. It’s only reason for existence is to fund your lavish lifestyle, and pay your political flunkies when they’re not drawing a government check.”
“First, you said you kept a private server because you only wanted one device, which wasn’t true. Next, you said you didn’t send any classified email, but you emailed material classified above top secret. Then, you told us the 30,000 emails you deleted contained nothing but yoga, Chelsea’s wedding, and love notes to Bill, but in fact hundreds of those emails were work-related – and that’s just the ones we know about. In other words, you told lie after lie after lie. It’s no wonder that polling shows that two-thirds of the American people think you’re dishonest. You are!”
“My opponent is the best president foreign money can buy.”
Donald, we voted for you in the primary – well, some of us did – to do a job. That job is not just to win, but to annihilate Hillary Clinton, to bury her with an avalanche of her own lies under an electoral landslide. We’re not asking you to fight Tigris the Gaul in the Colosseum. She’s an old lady with brain trauma. Push her hard enough and she’ll crack wide open. Don’t screw around next time.
Put a stake in her, Donald.