There are three sacrosanct facts upon which every reasonable person can agree: 1) Animals are dumb, 2) Artificial Christmas trees are superior in every way to the “real” thing, and 3) Beavers need wood.
What? Stop laughing. They do. That’s how those critters build their stupid little dams.
I’m all for deforestation on principle, but live Christmas trees are more trouble than they’re worth. They’re messy, they stink up the place, and it’s a pain in the ass to look around on Jan. 2 for an abandoned parking lot to dump them in. Artificial is the way to go. People understand this and animals don’t, which is yet another reason we’re better than them. Whoever invented the artificial Christmas tree was way smarter than some aquatic rodent.
In St. Mary’s County, Md., at least one badly behaved beaver is ready for holiday shopping.
The beaver was apprehended at a dollar store in Charlotte Hall, Md., the St. Mary’s County Sheriff’s Office said in a statement, apparently after browsing the selection of artificial Christmas trees and trashing the place.
Here’s the lil’ feller.
Cpl. Yingling had a unique call for service when the suspect, pictured, was witnessed causing prop. Destruction at a store in Char. Hall. pic.twitter.com/6qKlu7tqA7
— St. Mary's Sheriff (@firstsheriff) November 30, 2016
The beaver tweet may go viral! All joking aside, the beaver was safely rescued by animal control & was released to a wildlife rehabilitator. pic.twitter.com/0VyLXJPjxh
— St. Mary's Sheriff (@firstsheriff) November 30, 2016
I’d like him better as a hat or a mantelpiece decoration, but he’s still pretty cute. 13/10, would skritch behind ears.
Incidentally, beaver meat is said to taste like lean beef, and some Catholics consider it akin to a “four-legged fish” that can be eaten during Lent. If you find one causing a ruckus in your dollar store, don’t call animal control. Call a few pals over for dinner.