COVID is over, as even Democrats had to admit last month.
After three long years, President Biden signed a bipartisan congressional resolution officially bringing the U.S. national emergency response powers to an end. Yet this has still not convinced the most dedicated COVID fanatics to give up their masks. Here are nine types of maskers that still refuse to Follow The Science in 2023, ranked from the least to most ridiculous:
1. The indoor masker
It is now abundantly clear that many of the public health orders the CDC recommended were performative. A recent study by Cochrane—which medical journals describe as “recognized worldwide as the highest standard in evidence-based healthcare”—found that masks “probably make little or no difference” in preventing the spread of viruses like Covid. In fact, there is a good case to be made for the harm caused by masks. A new study from Germany found that people who wear masks for more than 5 minutes could be inhaling anywhere from 35 to 80 times the normal level of toxic carbon dioxide. This can lead to “harmful effects” such as fatigue, dizziness, headaches, reduced cognitive performance, and respiratory acidosis, among other symptoms. Conservatives long predicted the results of these studies, but were called crazy conspiracy theorists who wanted to kill grandmas. The people who still mask up for a quick trip to Whole Foods would rather make themselves sick than admit conservatives were right.(RELATED: Judge Halts Biden Admin Program That Required 2-Year-Olds To Wear Masks)
2. The plane masker
As if air travel isn’t enough of a nightmare, the plane masker insists on making the experience even more miserable. Imagine you just shuttled your entire family onto a crowded flight to go on vacation. Your kids are crying and your wife is mad that the one week you have off this year is going to be spent visiting your parents instead of going to Cancun. You’re just looking forward to getting a couple hours of sleep on the flight, when the lady in front of you starts passing out disposable masks and insisting everyone wear them. Adding insult to injury is the fact that airplanes have some of the cleanest air you could possibly breathe. Here’s hoping that the plane maskers just settle on a stay-cation this summer.
3. The cloth masker
A variation of the improperly fitted masker—you have to wonder why the lady in the hand-crocheted mask even bothers to cover her face in gaping holes. This type of masker can be given the benefit of the doubt however. Perhaps the hipster still wearing his mustache mask just wants to prove to the world how quirky he is; the lady still wearing the Versace mask might just not want her friends to realize that her husband got a pay cut. Either is better than continued left-wing virtue signaling.
4. The improperly fitted masker
If you’re still willing to put stock in what the CDC has to say, but can’t even follow instructions, it might be time to re-evaluate your priorities. Even those of us who have refused to wear a mask for years at this point know the way you’re supposed to do it. It’s still impossible to go into any doctor’s office or grocery store without seeing a sign that patronizingly tells you the right and wrong way to wear a mask. The next time a lady with a mask hanging below her nose gives you a dirty look, kindly explain to her the best way to “keep yourself and others safe.”
5. The masker that isn’t even wearing a mask
This type is the boldest of maskers, following the old maxim “rules for thee but not for me.” He agrees with conservatives that masks are a ridiculous nuisance … at least for himself. This won’t stop him from giving dirty looks to any unmasked pleb who gets too close in the checkout line. He might even ask you to give him six feet of social distance as he coughs all over your groceries. (RELATED: Study: Ugly People Love Masks)
6. The child masker
It’s bad enough to torture yourself by still wearing a mask, but why torture your child as well? Even if masks worked, children still are at “extremely low” risk of any serious Covid symptoms. In fact, the flu can be just as dangerous for children as COVID, sometimes moreso. Yet, we don’t mask up public schools every flu season. Expect to see many of these types on line for ice cream this summer reminding their child to mask in between licks.
7. The toddler masker
Even worse than the child masker is the toddler masker. We’ve all seen unmasked parents pushing a stroller down the street while struggling to force their toddler to keep a tiny mask fully over her nose. If you ask them, they’ll say, “Well, it’s just until she’s old enough to get her first booster.” Expect to see these types of maskers well beyond 2023. (RELATED: WHO Fires Leader Of Covid-19 Search Over Sexual Misconduct Allegations)
8. The Facebook masker
Last but not least is the Facebook masker. This type of masker might not even mask in real life anymore. However, they still have their masked profile pictures up from March 2020, just so the world remembers that they did their part!
9. The outdoor masker
Even worse than the indoor masker is the outdoor masker. Indoor maskers could at least be forgiven in the early days of the pandemic as the CDC flooded the airwaves with misinformation. However, masking in the open air, even when alone, always defied common sense. Even the “experts” had to admit by 2021 that masking outdoors was pointless. What the masked, solo biker is really trying to tell you as you drive by on your morning commute is, “I’m better than you.”
Whatever makes you feel better!
