An article published Friday by Insider revealed the absolutely unhinged spending habits of wealthy millennials.
It turns out that, despite their alleged wealth, millennials have some of the poorest, most cringe financial literacy in history. Insider detailed the top 10 ways that the millennial generation is “redefining luxury.” Into what? Poverty?
The top of the Insider list is pets. Some pets are apparently getting $12,000 miniature “playhouses,” as described by The New York Times. So, I’d like to take the time here to say that while pets are awesome, they are not children, and they don’t know the difference between a playhouse and a pile of dirty laundry. Just have kids, you freaking losers. (RELATED: You’re Not Poor. You’re Financially Illiterate. And That’s Your Fault)
But when you do, please don’t spend all that money on high-tech bassinets. Sure, they might theoretically make your child sleep better, but you chose to be a parent. Spend money on their education, their experience, not on something that means you can be less of a parent.
Millennials are also choosing electric vehicles over other types of luxury cars, which pretty much defines how painfully stupid they are. And impractical. Have fun sitting for 12 hours while your car recharges from fossil fuel-powered stations in the summer heat, idiots.
We Thought We Heard Insane Debt Stories, But Nothing Tops This | @DailyCaller
I’m terrified to think of how many people I know who are probably in a similar situation https://t.co/Fg0nI4aAjd
— KAY SMYTHE (@KaySmythe) April 13, 2023
Pricey handwash, luxury laundry rooms, kitchen appliances like coffee machines, are also on the list of stupid spending. These lazy, likely debt-ridden idiots are also trying to bring back travel agents. Guys, if we’re bringing anything back from the 1990s, it’s Kevin Sorbo as Hercules and that’s it.
On the personal beauty side, wealthy millennials are also purchasing Botox like it’s going out of fashion. While I don’t have any problem with people spending money on personal care, these costs add up over time. (RELATED: NYT Idiots Ignore Dire Financial Warnings For 2023 From Leading Experts)
With the ongoing financial crisis, a lot of women are probably going to have to choose between Botox and eating in the coming years. This might sound hyperbolic, but all of the women I know who get work done won’t be able to financially maintain it in the near future. And the knock-on impacts of mental health decline that’ll come with surrendering Botox are going to be even worse than you could imagine.
But Insider missed two major spending issues that millennials have: weddings and overpriced homes. The average cost of a wedding in America is $30,000. Imagine what that money could be better spent on, like literally anything else.
Get yourself a nice dress, photographer, Costco flowers and a cake, and be done with it. A wedding is one day. A marriage is for life, so invest in that. (RELATED: ‘Meltdown’: Future Of US Housing Market Is Dire)
As far as housing goes, I’d just like to remind everyone that a $400,000 home with a 30-year mortgage with just 3% APR will add $207,109 in interest fees, according to Credible. And interest rates are more like 7% right now… (RELATED: We Somehow Missed Chad ‘Ochocinco’ Johnson Giving The Most Amazing Financial Advice Ever)
The only good thing wealthy millennials are spending their money on is the spa bathroom (which is shockingly affordable if you and your man know some basic DIY — and don’t marry him if he doesn’t, ladies). Personally, I prefer a garden-vibe for a spa bathroom, but that’s just me.
Also, cleanliness is close to godliness, so spend away you crazy kids.
Obviously this entire article is revoltingly biased, but I don’t care. It’s Friday, y’all. Go spend your money like there’s no tomorrow (because there might not be one).