Joe Biden did America dirty Sunday by committing the cardinal sin of breakups.
Breakups are tough, even if the split is “mutual.” If you’re a man, you will likely face the “asymmetry” of a breakup — a term coined by writer Paul Skallas — meaning you will hurt more than the woman, who recovers more fully in the long term. Weeks, months, years after a breakup, you might hurt so bad that you suffer a mental breakdown and blow up your life, your job, and your friendships, as you slowly succumb to alcoholism and porn addiction. (Click HERE to sign up for Mr. Right’s weekly newsletter)
As Skallas has pointed out, this is a time-tested phenomenon. The Roman poet Ovid wrote an entire book on how to get over your ex-lover and warned against the temptation of suicide. Tragically enough, Anthony Bourdain committed suicide after his partner cheated on him. Following his split from Ariana Grande, Pete Davidson appeared suicidal on Instagram, prompting a safety check from NYPD. Most recently, Kanye West had a public meltdown amid his divorce from Kim Kardashian, embracing antisemitism and appearing on InfoWars where he praised Hitler. Tough scenes all around.
But before you deal with the fallout of a breakup, you need to handle the how of a breakup. How does one break up with a partner? The short answer is: don’t pull a Joe Biden; don’t commit the cardinal sin.
On Sunday, Biden literally broke up with America via text. It was a pretty big moment in American political history, a massive decision for Biden, but he opted to announce the split with a tweet, treating the U.S.A. as if she was a cheap hooker, a summer fling, a situationship, undeserving of respect.
— Joe Biden (@JoeBiden) July 21, 2024
This is not the way, because there is only one way to break up: in person. Face-to-face conversation, no matter how emotionally turbulent and awkward and tear-soaked it may be. You need to look your partner in the eye and tell them that it’s over. No email, no FaceTime, Lord knows no tweet. A ten-page, handwritten letter with very beautiful, honest prose that is sent from a remote island in the Mediterranean would be acceptable, but otherwise, in person is the only way.
Ladies, the same goes for you. In person. Don’t be like one of my exes who dumped me over WhatsApp as I was camping in the Grand Tetons. It was a cold night. Raw. June in the Rockies. I was sitting in a cheap Walmart tent, with rain leaking through the roof. A grizzly bear had been spotted roaming through the campground the previous night. My nerves were already fried. I was trying to read Jack London when, from a thousand miles away, a text pinged in. Ding. It included a flippant disco man emoji that added insult to injury. Just like that, it was over. I drank a bottle of wine, took a Benadryl, and slept in my car, hoping to God the bear didn’t appear when I stuck my Johnson out the passenger door to pee at 5 in the morning.
I digress. Don’t be like Joe Biden.
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Mr Right’s Top Five Breakup Songs:
The Rolling Stones — Plundered My Soul
Bob Dylan — I Threw It All Away
Fleetwood Mac — Landslide
Crosby, Stills & Nash — Helplessly Hoping
Jim Croce — Operator