Iran celebrates moving one step closer to getting carpet-bombed — Illegal immigrants find American Dream ‘vastly overrated’ — Haitian-collecting missionaries likely to be set free today — New jobs bill will save at least 435 jobs — Mitt Romney taking cues from ‘Political Do-overs for Dummies’ — Study finds poor people fail to preserve their husks beyond natural age
1.) West ‘lost’ opportunity to provide Iran with enriched uranium — “God willing, daily production will be tripled,” said Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad Thursday in celebration of Iran’s first batch of enriched uranium. According to the Associated Press, the uranium is “part of a plan to fuel its research reactor that provides medical isotopes to hundreds of thousands of Iranians undergoing cancer treatment.” The move provided just the jolt Western leaders needed to grab their quills and parchment and begin drafting proposals for harsh economic sanctions. In other news, the Iranian turtles currently orbiting around the Earth are simply on a space vacation and are not laying the groundwork for an animal space war.
2.) In search of better cable television, jobs, immigrants flee U.S. — Over 800,000 illegal immigrants left the United States between 2008 and 2009, the LA Times reports, bringing the nation’s total population of unlawful visitors to 10.8 million. Anti-immigration proponents say the reduction “shows illegal immigration is not inexorable” and that “illegal immigration is a controllable phenomenon,” a statement that suggests that the America First! crowd is either responsible for wrecking the economy in order to discourage foreigners or has something else going on. The LA Times breaks the numbers down like so: “The Chinese illegal immigrant population showed the steepest decline, plummeting by nearly half to 120,000 in 2009 from 220,000 the previous year, the report showed. Mexicans, who account for 62% of the undocumented population, declined by 380,000 to 6.65 million. Illegal immigrants from South Korea, the Philippines and El Salvador declined while those from Guatemala, Honduras and India increased.”
3.) Baptist missionaries to be freed from Haitian jail — The group of 10 American missionaries who were arrested crossing into the Dominican Republic with undocumented Haitian children as their only luggage will be freed by a Haitian judge today. Reuters and the Associated Press report that “a lawyer representing [the missionaries]” said “he expects Judge Bernard Saint-Vil to issue his recommendation to the prosecutor Thursday.” While the Haitian prosecutor could appeal the judge’s decision, both Saint-Vil and the State Department are convinced of the missionaries’ lack of “malicious intent.”
4.) New jobs bill would ‘work only on the margins‘ — The “bi-partisan” jobs bill coming from the Senate won’t actually create many new jobs, according to the AP. “We’re skeptical that it’s going to be a big job creator,” Bill Rys of the National Federation of Independent Business told the wire service. “There’s certainly nothing wrong with giving a tax break to a business that’s hired a new worker, especially in these tough times. But in terms of being an incentive to hire a lot of workers, we’re skeptical.” Despite its lengthy list of deficiencies, the bill will give both Republicans and Democrats something to add to their resumes in time for November; meaning, at the very least, that down-on-their-luck Americans won’t be competing for work with the politicians who have actively failed to lead them out of the Shadow of the Valley of Debt.
5.) Will Romney break out ‘Mr. Fix-It’ costume for 2012? — With its lengthy profile of Mitt Romney’s revamped presidential aspirations, the Boston Phoenix kicks off profile season, which seems to start earlier and earlier every election cycle. The entire piece is worth a read, but here’s the money graf: “[T]he new Romney is now de-emphasizing social issues like abortion, same-sex marriage, and illegal immigration. He has made no public comment, for instance, about last week’s announcement that top military leaders intend to end the ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell’ policy, has scrupulously avoided association with the Tea Party movement, and has refrained from backing conservatives that other presidential hopefuls have endorsed, such as Doug Hoffman in New York or Marco Rubio in Florida.” Look out, middle-of-the-road candidates, here this guy comes!
6.) Wealthy must wait seven years longer than poor for relief from torment of old age — According to a recent report released by the UK Department of Health, “Well-off people live an average of seven years longer than those in poorer groups.” In case seven years isn’t impactful enough, the Dept. of Health used some IPCC-inspired math to reframe the disparity: “In England, the many people who are currently dying prematurely each year as a result of health inequalities would otherwise have enjoyed, in total, between 1.3 and 2.5 million extra years of life.” Other recent reports from the UK Dept. of Health have concluded that blondes score significantly higher than all other hair-color types among young women “who just want to have fu-un;” a few people actually will buy a cow after having received its milk for free; and despite Labor’s assurances to the contrary, life will never be fair.