op-ed

An open letter to Dr. Pelosi

Anchorman Contributor
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I confess, I’m utterly flummoxed by health care reform and what’s going on in Congress.

Maybe, as a local newscaster, I’m just not capable of keeping up with the arcane legislative nuances that are driving this bizarre surreal spectacle, but I know experienced congressional correspondents who are equally perplexed over this sausage-making.

Maybe it’s information overload that keeps us from fully understanding why “deeming” one-sixth of the U.S. economy past an unwilling public is a good thing. After all, we’ve all seen those studies that say too much information, ingested en masse, digested too briefly, regurgitated too suddenly leaves the synapses idle and unconnected, and wanting for something authoritative, reliable, true and deep.

So, I’m feeling insecure about all these smart people who know better than I. I’m imagining a frightening fantasy—where I’m called to do a one on one interview with the Speaker of the House. So intimidating a prospect that I’m forced to draw upon the K.I.S.S. principle. Keep it simple, stupid. A smarter person might draw upon the time-tested principle of “Occam’s razor,” which posits that entities must not be multiplied beyond necessity. In other words, the simplest solution is usually the correct one.

So, in the spirit of K.I.S.S. and Occam’s razor, here are the questions I would pose to the Speaker.

Dear Madam Speaker,

Thank you for the opportunity to understand more about the health care plan and why it’s the right thing for our country.

How big is the health care bill now? 1,700 pages? 2,000 pages? A bazillion pages?

Will Michelle Obama oversee a national program to reign in its expansion?

What is the carbon footprint of producing all that paper?

Will the EPA regulate the carbon footprint of the bill?

Is flatulence treatable under the bill?

Does sausage-making contribute to flatulence?

Is the treatment of cows included in the bill?

With 20 million, 30 million, 40 bazillion uninsured people expected to be covered under the plan, will my local emergency room get a “take a ticket” dispenser?

When I visit the local emergency room for my occasional “flare-up” and my number is finally called, will the nurse make me go home again to pick up the third picture ID that I forgot to bring for proof of citizenship?

Will the nurse who sent me back home for more ID speak English?

Will the emergency room finally get a remote control, so I don’t have to watch Jerry Springer reruns next to that guy with the hacking tubercular sounding cough?

Can I transfer my car insurance to ObamaCare, so the pre-existing condition our au pair put in my right front quarter panel can be treated, too?

Will government bureaucrats (one of whom I once dated) peer at my record of occasional “flare-ups?”

Is it true the Hippocratic oath is going to be changed to, “First, do no pharm,” as in, anesthesia-free surgery?

Who will administer my next colonoscopy? You? Are you already doing that?

How about Kathleen Sebelius? Would the government plan cover, say, a Sebelius sebaceous cyst?

How about her sister’s cyst?

Will anybody go to medical school anymore?

Will there be speech codes on medical school campuses, so med students can’t offend anybody with casual talk of occasional “flare-ups” and other sensitive matters?

Can witch doctors legally practice medicine under the provisions of the bill?

With already low Medicare reimbursements expected to drop even further, will the U.S. government pay off a doctors medical school debt, out of the U.S. debt?

Is the U.S. debt a bazillion yet?

Why does China want to buy U.S. debt?

May I go to China for health care?

Is ObamaCare anything like Mao-care?

Will ground-up tiger gall bladders cure my occasional flare-ups?

Will barbers be allowed to resume the practice of bleeding under ObamaCare?

And lastly, about those death panels: How soon can I sign up?

Thank you, Madam Speaker. It was a pleasure. I hope the American people “deem” you a long and lustrous career.

Anchorman is a well-known news anchor from a top-10, big city station. The Daily Caller has elected to redact his identity to protect his anonymity.