Spies among us

John Feehery Contributor
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The Washington Post today reports on the breaking news that the FBI has broken up a Russian spy ring in the U.S.:

“Details that emerged Tuesday about the alleged spies’ lives added to the mystery of a network that prosecutors say extended from Manhattan to Seattle and the heart of the Washington area. Though utterly unremarkable to their neighbors, the suspects allegedly buried stashes of money and wrote messages in invisible ink as they sought to collect tidbits about U.S. policy and secrets. On closer inspection, there seemed to be hints that something was going on. The suspect known as Anna Chapman, who operated an online real estate company in New York, revealed on her Facebook page that she was educated in Moscow and belonged to an organization of Russian-speaking professionals. Another suspect, adjunct college professor Juan Lazaro, was recorded on an FBI wiretap describing his childhood to the woman who lived as his wife.”

What the Post didn’t report and what can now be revealed for the first time is that the Russians not only had this passive intelligence-gathering program. It also had a program that was intended to actively undermine American democracy. We at the JMU news network have uncorroborated evidence of these spies:

Lady Gaga: Her wardrobes are outrageous, her activities are unacceptable, but her music is actually rather catchy. Gaga, whose actual name is Gagalov, was sent to America by her successor to the KGB with one mission: Turn children against their parents. Spark a civil war within each home. Inspire the kids, especially little girls, to dress inappropriately, driving parents, and especially working mothers, completely crazy.

Glenn Beck: Under the heading, “he doth protest too much,” the KGB first thought of a program to spark a breakdown in democracy by installing a “Communist-hater” in a place of influence. What better place than Fox News Channel? Nobody would expect it. The KGB first thought of putting Beck on CNN, but then realized that nobody watches CNN anymore. Beck, who spins conspiracy theories on a daily basis, has sparked the tea-party anti-government movement, which the Russians hope will lead to the dissolution of the Republican Party and allow the Democrats to maintain control of the Congress.

Steve Jobs: The Russians wanted Steve Jobs to infiltrate the computer market back in the 1980’s, and find a way to stop Microsoft from taking over the world. They also wanted him to somehow confuse the youth of America with a system that was not compatible with any others. Jobs succeeded brilliantly. He has a loyal following of Mac users who will go to any lengths to get the latest Apple product, even waiting in line outside of Apple Stores for days and weeks.

Tom Cruise: The Scientology cult is all just a Russian front and Tom Cruise is the lead actor in the plan to have Russia infiltrate Hollywood. FBI agents noticed some similarities between some Scientologist rituals and rituals of the Russian Orthodox Church, which first raised some suspicions about Cruise’s loyalty. Those suspicions were confirmed when the FBI examined Cruise’s movements during the “Mission Impossible” movies. “Clearly, Cruise had the kind of advanced martial arts training used primarily by the Russians,” one agent confided.

Ronald McDonald: “The red hair gave him away. I can’t believe we didn’t catch him earlier.” That was the reaction of another investigator about the explosive allegations that the McDonald’s hamburger empire was constructed by the Russians to subvert our nation’s youth and make the American people obese. Now, American kids whine incessantly, ironically, about their desire for a “Happy Meal,” as their parents gobble up the latest half-pounder offering with a super-sized Coke and order of French fries. Mission Accomplished.

Bernie Madoff: Madoff is a Russian spy and his Ponzi scheme was constructed under the active involvement of the KGB. Madoff’s abscounded billions are actually safely under Kremlin control from a bank in the Cayman Islands. Madoff was tasked with undermining confidence in the American investment and finance sector, and obviously, he did a remarkable job of delivering.

Google: Is it any surprise that one of Google’s founders is a Russian? Of course not. Google’s job was to diminish the power of intellectual property rights in America, end any sense of privacy, and give the Russian government the ability to spy on everybody at the same time. Do you think they have succeeded?

John Feehery is President of The Feehery Group, a strategic advocacy firm dedicated to helping its clients achieve their legislative and communications objectives in Washington D.C. He is also a frequent commentator on the political landscape, widely quoted around the country and often seen on such television programs as CNN’s The Situation Room, MSNBC’s Hardball, and Bloomberg Television’s Money and Politics. He is also a contributor to The Hill’s “Pundits Blog.”