DC Trawler

Primary Challengers for Obama: Hillary Clinton, Spencer Ackerman, and a donkey

Frank J. Contributor
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While Jim Treacher enjoys the weather in Acapulco, other people will be trawling. Like Frank J: “Hello. I’m Frank J. I blog at IMAO.us and sometimes write columns. I am also on the Twitters. I like to write about politics even though I don’t know more than anybody else, but that’s okay because it’s the internet.”

So Pennsylvania Governor Ed Rendell said that if things deteriorate in Afghanistan, liberals could begin to resent Obama for being black and send him a primary challenger. If that happened, that would be like the worst act of racism since Cain killed Abel for being Korean.

Still, it’s a possibility. So, if it were to happen, who could the primary challenger be? Here are my guesses:

  • Hillary Clinton. She’s always had that look in her eyes that says she lusts for power and will kill and eat the skin of anyone who stands in her way. Republicans like her more these days, because they think maybe they can unleash her on countries they don’t like. The Netroots don’t like her, but if they stood in her way we’d probably start seeing those bloggers end up in landfills, and I don’t think the police would care enough to investigate. I already don’t care.
  • Joe Biden. Could Biden turn against someone so clean and articulate? I don’t know, but I’ve heard he’s desired the Oval Office ever since he saw something shiny in there. Plus, his handlers have learned how to keep him from embarrassing himself and his party by making him wear a ball gag.
  • Alvin Greene. Science! shows that in a Democratic primary, if the name “Alvin Greene” is on the ballot, it will get 59% of the vote.
  • Spencer Ackerman. If he wanted the presidency, I don’t see how anyone could get in the way of this unstoppable juggernaut. Plus the powerful plate glass window lobby can’t wait for all the business they’ll get when Spencer gives the right wing what’s coming to them.
  • A Donkey with an Important-Looking Hat. An unorthodox choice, but who better to rally the Democratic base than an actual donkey? And I could see him getting a lot of support if the hat is important-looking enough. You may not think a donkey would have enough experience to be president, but it should be able to do at least as much as Obama the next time there’s a big oil spill. I just hope he doesn’t choke on a golf ball. As for constitutionality, there is nothing in the Constitution that says a donkey can’t be president. Well, I assume there isn’t; I haven’t actually read the Constitution. It’s not like I’m on the Supreme Court.

So what’s the actual likelihood of Obama having a challenger? I’m going to say extremely likely. Why, it may have already happened when I was playing Super Mario Galaxy 2 instead of watching the news. I don’t really understand how politics works. When again do I get to stop paying for healthcare?