An address from Her Majesty the Queen:
My loyal Subjects,
I believe there has been a misunderstanding. I am your Queen. This relationship means I am more important than you. I am entitled to a life of luxury and wealth at your expense.
I have wearily attempted to communicate this point to you. However, your pedestrian minds have not grasped the magnitude of my importance as of yet. In the very middle of my Grand Luxe Radiance Facial in my Spanish spa, I was interrupted by my public relations servant. She came pattering in, explaining your trite complaints about my monarch necessities, like five star European accommodations and $75,000 a day travel expenses. Ugghh. It ruined the entire fung shue of the spa atmosphere. Where can I escape the drag of your peasantry? Do you not comprehend that I am in the Kingdom of Spain, 4000 miles away from your petty plights? Please do not bother me!
The spa treatment was necessary as the flight here was horrid. Have you been on Air Force II? Oh, ha, of course you haven’t. Well let me tell you, it is cramped. Who do you think I am, Mary Todd Lincoln? It might as well be a flying stagecoach. The servants on the flying stagecoach even neglected to procure my essential Osetra caviar. Instead pedalling some hateful Sevruga rubbish that might as well been a greasy cheeseburger.
I attempt to escape you at your cost often. Have you not noticed? Last year it was Paris and London with my princesses. I dined with English and French aristocracy in the finest palaces of Europe. I graced Denmark on your behalf also, reminding them how lucky they were to be in my presence. As I also explained to the less notable British Monarch when I side hugged her after she received an iPod with recordings of our poetic decrees preloaded. Forget 1,800 years of tradition, I shall touch whomever I want for I am the Queen! We shall bow when meeting other nobility when we wish. Your peasant simplicity does not permit you to comprehend the complexities of our royal relations. Please do not try.
This summer alone I have vacationed glamorously in Chicago; the Camp David, New York with the Princesses for rounds of theatre and Los Angeles with my Mummy. Please do not overlook our weekending in Maine and sightseeing in Acadia National Park where the princesses were so distraught that their dear loveable hound Bo did not accompany them, only to find out he had been flown in on a private jet hours earlier!
Indeed, I am not finished yet, Subjects. If you have not already understood Her Majesty, you shall by the end of the month. On the weekend of Aug. 14, I will sun on the Florida coast and between Aug. 19 and 29, we shall vacation on Martha’s Vineyard, just like last summer. And naturally, this is our sacrifice. Martha’s Vineyard has been in frightful times since this economic catastrophe brought upon us by past monarchs. We must act as sacrificial examples vacationing there instead of our preferred Spanish Oceanside Villas with armed police beach clearers.
I have pity on you, as your demure existence undoubtedly entails labouring for hours on some threshing room floor, blacksmiths forge or behind plow and ox, toiling on the flat, staid soil of a ‘red state.’ Such lives of serfdomhood surely cloud your minds. I patiently have mercy on your small intellect. However, please, try to comprehend this time. I grow weary of explaining it to you – I am entitled to a life of pleasure at your expense.
Queen Michelle I
Benny is a 23-year-old political activist from California, via Iowa. Former Chairman of the Iowa Federation of College Republicans and YAF activist, he has worked for the RNC, CRNC, Heritage Foundation, and Family Research Council and currently works in for an arms manufacturer and defense contractor in Switzerland. Benny loves his pipe tobacco, God, and Family, but not necessarily in that order.