S.E. Cupp’s Diary: What I’ve been up to

S.E. Cupp Contributor
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Long time no see, Diary readers! Been busy driving race cars, monitoring my gag reflex during Parker Spitzer, and culling together midterm election interviews for my slave-driver boss at The Daily Caller. (I hope you’ve been enjoying them.) But I’d love to catch you up on what’s been going on in Cuppville.

I spent a few days in the Mile High City, speaking at the We Are The People Rally on the capitol steps with my buddy Andrew Breitbart.

My assessment? The Denver airport is pretty, but a logistical nightmare. I had to take a train, a tram, a tractor and a golf cart to get to my gate. One sign in the B terminal (which does, in fact, inspire “terminal” thoughts) summed up the experience: “Gates B35 — B95.” This, after driving 30 miles outside of town to the big field and pop-up tents that house this circus. I don’t care how many Wolfgang Puck Expresses or Spirit of the Red Horse stores you have, DIA. I felt like I was at the carnival in “Something Wicked This Way Comes.”

During dinner with Breitbart and a few friends, I spoke to a lovely midwife who shared with me a very strange Bill Kristol fetish over wine and mussels. She admitted that she finds him so utterly adorable that she fantasizes about giving him a bath — as if he were a baby — in one of those suction-cup bathtub harnesses. Sorry, Bill. There’s at least one fan out there who sees right through all that gravitas.

I also attended the Washington premiere of the new Citizens United film, “Fire From the Heartland.” The film was riveting, as most of Steve Bannon’s opuses are, and not just because I was in it. In fact, if this film had any low-lights it was the moment when yours truly followed Phyllis Schlafly and Michele Bachmann’s eloquent analyses with a sermon on the considerable set of “balls” on a conservative woman. Needless to say my mother, the English teacher, was very proud.

And I took a trip to Washington, as I’m wont to do, to record a spot for the Republican Governors Assn “Remember November” campaign. I also hit up the Smart Girl Summit in Arlington, VA, where I ran into other noted smart girls Dana Loesch, Rachel Campos-Duffy and some adorably colorful activists running around in pajamas and boas….because why not?

Speaking of why not, the new Clare Boothe Luce calendar is out! Naturally, I’m Miss December, I assume because I’m cold and dead inside.

As you can see, I’ve been busy. And as if that were not self-promotional enough, today I head to Los Angeles to visit Chris Coons’ West Coast headquarters, otherwise known as “Real Time with Bill Maher.” I’ll be on the panel with P.J. O’Rourke and Andrew Ross Sorkin trying to avoid any and all references to witchcraft, masturbation or monkeys. Which is harder than you think.

Otherwise, life’s been ho hum. For reasons I will not go into, I found myself in Whole Foods the other day having to buy dishwasher detergent. I was left with two options, both organic, both highly suspicious. I felt surprisingly dirty buying eco-friendly cleanser, but the irony doesn’t end there. When I brought it up to the checkout counter, the cashier bagged the detergent and then asked if I would put the bag on the floor — because the eco-friendly, all natural, environmentally safe dishwasher detergent was burning her eyes.

So there you have it, you’re all caught up. I’m sure you’ve been up to some interesting stuff, but I don’t really care to hear about it.

I will, however, leave you with a pressing question: What’s a “Garanimal,” and can I hunt it? Do I need a special permit? Hunting season is coming up, and I just want to know if my sportsman’s license covers this delicious-sounding creature. Feel free to write in with answers and recipe suggestions.

S.E. Cupp is co-author of “Why You’re Wrong About The Right,” (Simon & Schuster, June 2008). Her second book, “Losing Our Religion: The Liberal Media’s Attack on Christianity” comes out in April 2010. She is a columnist for the New York Daily News and a regular guest on “Hannity,” “Larry King Live,” “Fox & Friends,” “Geraldo,” “Red Eye with Greg Gutfeld,” and others.