It’s that special time of year when leaves are turning beautiful shades of orange. The fresh smell of fall is in the air and each morning is met with frost on the pumpkin patch.
And, of course, every day some candidate running for some office somewhere in America is doing something really, really stupid.
It’s the political silly season and, like watching an impending train wreck, Americans just can’t look away. We feel compelled to watch.
Novice sports fans watch ESPN’s Top 10 plays of the day. But true sports fans look forward to Friday’s Not Top 10.
Thus, for all true political junkies, here are the Not Top 10 political plays of the 2010 Silly Season.
10. She turned Bill Maher into a newt – So if Christine O’Donnell weighs the same as a duck, then she’s made of wood … and therefore … a witch.
9. Joe Biden/Nancy Pelosi/Harry Reid – Has there been a funnier triumvirate since Larry, Curly and Moe? Nancy argues that free condoms, unemployment benefits and food stamps are economic stimulus. Harry has a pet and Joe wants to strangle all Republicans. Nuk. Nuk. Nuk.
8. The most painful 3 minutes in television history – Under indictment for sexting photos of his junk to a college student (a charge his attorney called “flirting”), the elusive Alvin Greene tried to bolster his long-shot bid for a US Senate seat in South Carolina by answering every Lawrence O’Donnell interview question with “DeMint started the recession.” Even funnier than the interview is that O’Donnell — no relation to Christine or anyone in her coven — endorsed Greene following the interview.
7. The Aqua Buddha – GQ runs a story from an anonymous source claiming that in college Kentucky Senate candidate Rand Paul was a pot smoking, Aqua Buddha worshipping, kidnapping member of a secret society. Determined to make sulfuric acid from lemonade, Paul’s opponent, Attorney General Jack Conway, runs the most offensive ad of the campaign season questioning Paul’s faith and gets whacked by the left.
6. Barney Interuptus – Whatever you do, don’t interrupt Barney Frank. Barney told his constituents at a town hall meeting to shut up. Barney has repeatedly told his opponent, Sean Bielat, to quit interrupting him. Be warned that if you interrupt Barney too often, he’ll send his partner, Jim Ready, over to photograph and heckle you.
5. Hicks wanted – A casting call for a West Virginia political advertisement looking for actors with a “hicky blue collar look” leaves RNSC staffers feeling like Ned Beatty in Deliverance.
4. She blew my nose and then she blew my mind – Virginia Congressional candidate Krystal Ball (no, that’s not the joke) was photographed performing oral sex on a red dildo strapped to the nose of her antler wearing ex-husband. Ball is a single-issue candidate seeking to enact a federal ban on the manufacture of cell phone cameras.
3. Moonbeams over Havana – Jerry “Moonbeam” Brown spent a couple hours in a limo touring Havana with Fidel Castro and California voters are concerned whether he booked the trip with a legit travel agent.
Really? Jerry Brown spent a leisurely day with Fidel Castro, a murdering Communist dictator, and Californians are concerned that Moonbeam didn’t use the Expedia gnome to book his hotel room.
Jerry Brown should be required to move to Florida, put his name on the ballot for mayor of Miami and get his self-righteous ass kicked in Little Havana.
2. Springtime for Hitler – After a long day of goose-stepping with his SS Panzer re-enactment unit, Congressional candidate Rich Lott enjoys kicking back with other blue-eyed, blond haired Eichmann youth in the Toledo area with a cold beer and a shot of Jagermeister. To be fair, Lott said he doesn’t subscribe to Nazism, but once took an Adolph on the golf course (two shots in the bunker).
1. Truth in advertising – Rich Whitney is a third party candidate for governor in Illinois who accidentally had the “n” dropped off his name on touch screen voting machine ballots. Thankfully, “Rich Whitey” is not running for office against Alvin Greene.
Rick Robinson is the author of political thrillers which can be purchased on Amazon and at book stores everywhere. His latest novel, Manifest Destiny has won seven writing awards, including Best Fiction at the Paris Book Festival.