1.) Introducing the crap pile that will greet Republicans in January — If Republicans take Congress next month–OK, when–their celebrating will have to be short-lived. Right around the time America’s coliseum of corruption swears in its newest members, the executive branch will release a massive report explaining how it never actually dealt with the mortgage crisis. You name it, this administration missed it: Securitization problems, putbacks, buybacks, robo-signing, HAMP disasters. Boom. Pow. Wap. Shit. During a press conference yesterday, HUD Sec. Shaun Donovan kicked off a rather uninformative press conference by declaring, “We’re committed to forcing banks to change the way they do business.” Tall order! Along with Assistant Treasury Secretary Michael Barr, Donovan reassured markets that the problems facing the mortgage industry are not “systemic,” even though an 11-agency review is still ages away from being completed and Donovan couldn’t speak authoritatively about anything else. So, the takeaway? Shh, go back to bed. Everything is fine. EVERYTHING IS FINE.
2.) Obama needs to get in touch with base, Jon Stewart offers to help — It’s been so long since Pres. Obama acknowledged the people who got him elected–post-modernists; Hillary Clinton’s tear ducts; Volvo owners–that to speak to them now, he has to appear on Jon Stewart’s variety hour. “It’s a program that younger voters and even occasionally older voters, the 39-year-old age group, catch, if they can remember to stay up late,” said White House Press Sec Robert Gibbs about the crucial 39-year-old age group. “I think it’s a great way to appeal to a younger voter audience that is a big part of the President’s base,” he added. As The Daily Caller’s Jon Ward points out, “Obama’s nod to Stewart and his program are another signal that the president and his administration believe their worldview and resulting policies are eminently reasonable but have yet to be fully understood by much of the country.” Perhaps with Stewart’s help, Obama can convince his far-out base to stop acting like a bunch of bitches.
3.) NPR fires commentator for expressing basic human emotion — National Pinhead Radio severed ties with commentator Juan Williams last night after Williams admitted on Bill O’Reilly’s TV show that he is not without anxieties. “When I get on the plane, I got to tell you, if I see people who are in Muslim garb and I think, you know, they are identifying themselves first and foremost as Muslims, I get worried. I get nervous.” And why does Juan Williams get nervous? Because apparently a handful of Muslims used airplanes to murder more than 3,000 Americans, and have made several similar attempts since then. “His remarks on The O’Reilly Factor this past Monday were inconsistent with our editorial standards and practices, and undermined his credibility as a news analyst with NPR,” read a statement from the same news outfit than once ran an editorial cartoon titled, “How To Speak Tea Bag.”
4.) Somebody call a doctor: Nancy Pelosi is delusional — On Wednesday night, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi opened her mouth and nonsense came out. “Let me tell you right here and now that I would rather be in our position right now than theirs,” Madame Bonkers Cat told Charlie Rose. “We’re right in the middle of a playoff, New York, Texas, San Francisco, L.A., would you go up to one of those players tap him on the shoulder and say suppose you lose?” Pelosi said. “Would you if you were in a fight, if you were in the ring, say what if I lose? No. No, I intend to win.” Except that people say these things all the time, especially when it looks like they are going to lose. Clearly, Nancy Pelosi has never heard the expression, “No mas.”
5.) Poll: Nothing sucks less — “A majority of voters in key battleground races say President Obama has either brought no change to Washington or has brought change for the worse,” reports The Hill. “Strikingly, 63 percent of voters under the age of 34 said the president either has not changed Washington or has made it worse.” Granted, this poll was conducted by Satan’s towel boy and one time Hillary staffer Mark Penn, but a good point is a good point. This is a good point: “All change is not good change, and the voters are expressing overall dissatisfaction with the direction of change so far.” This is arguably the worst thing you can say about someone whose job is to change things for the better.
6.) Obama succeeds in further alienating the gays — At the rate Pres. Obama is going, Republicans might as well just save their money for 2016, when they will not be going up a Democrat who is actively destroying the hopes and dreams of his/her constituents. “Acting on a request from the Obama administration, a federal appeals court in San Francisco on Wednesday lifted a judge’s order that had halted enforcement of the military’s ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’ policy on gays, leaving the much-disputed law in legal limbo,” reports the LA Times. “The three-judge panel said it was setting aside the judge’s order temporarily to give it time to ‘consider fully the issues presented. It gave opponents of the law until Monday to file a motion arguing why the judge’s order should stay in effect.” Yes, the end times are near. Progressives are siding with the Log Cabin Republicans over an increasingly gay-hostile Chosen One.