Ask Matt Labash

Ask Matt Labash Vol. XLVI: Torturing a dog-torture lover, and defending John Boehner’s tan

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Why would anyone care about what happens to pit bulls?!? I thought most people hated this breed, a beady-eyed beast that tops the list of dangerous dogs. The less pit bulls the better; the breed should be neutered out of existence. To wish the death penalty upon a person who killed some pit bulls is beyond the pale. Tucker Carlson should be fired. The man is a whack job.  – Barb

Please don’t take this the wrong way, Barb, but you are a demented sociopath badly in need of professional help/being locked up. Perhaps you missed last week’s defense of Tucker Carlson on his Michael Vick comments as well as his own explanation of his remarks on the “Hannity” show, which anyone with a room-temperature IQ  — which admittedly precludes half the blogosphere — would have recognized at the outset as the obvious hyperbole of a devoted dog-lover. So no need to tread that path again. Let’s talk about you.

You’re a disturbed crackpot. You are willing to not only defend dog-torturer Michael Vick, but to eradicate an entire breed because you don’t like the set of their eyes and think that they’re dangerous. And you’re right – pit bulls can be dangerous – when they’re raised by barbaric psychopaths who train them for fighting, who drown, hang and electrocute them, and who are even willing to place their family pets into the ring with fighting dogs to see them maimed or killed for yuks. People not unlike a certain quarterback of the Philadelphia Eagles.

On the other hand, here’s a killer pit bull that chases his roofing contractor owner up a ladder onto the roof, where he savagely attacks him.

Then there’s this crazy-eyed pit bull, who eats kittens for breakfast:

In fact, if you want to talk about domesticated animals that are much more bloodthirsty than pit bulls, look no further than your average house cat. In our country alone, they kill hundreds of millions of birds every year.

As the videos above demonstrate, one gets the sense that the problem is not the dog, but the dog owner. As further proof, all of the savagely-mistreated Vick dogs that were recovered (the ones not found in shallow graves), are now living in foster homes with other pets and even children.

But don’t beat yourself up for your callous disregard for dog life, Barb. You and Michael Vick are in good company. According to, a study done by Northeastern University and the Massachusetts Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals (SPCA) found that animal abusers are five times more likely to commit crimes against people than those without a history of animal abuse. This includes most serial killers, from Jeffrey Dahmer, who used to impale dogs’ heads on sticks, to the Boston Strangler, Albert DeSalvo, who before murdering 13 women, used to trap dogs and cats in orange crates, then shoot arrows through them.

So again, don’t take this the wrong way, Barb. Because I generally don’t discriminate against readers. Red and yellow,  black and white, they are all precious in His sight. And God knows I have my share of nutloafs in the audience (you know who you are, Mom). But I have to draw the line somewhere. So it might as well be with animal-cruelty-loving, budding- psychopath-serial-killers like you.

Consequently, I forbid you from reading this column in the future. And unlike NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell, who didn’t have the huevos to do so to Vick, I’m banning you for life. If you disobey, The Daily Caller tech whizzes will track your IP address, and notify the authorities, who will then come to your house, and unplug your Internet. Then how will you know which Applebee’s your Animal Abuser/Serial Killer Meetup group is convening at to discuss dog-torturing techniques over French Dip Sliders? You won’t. You’ll be stuck at home alone in your isolation chamber, fashioning “This is Not Your Dog’s Bathroom” placards to post in your yard, wolfing down Cheez Doodles as you cheer on the Philadelphia Eagles on your big-screen TV, wearing the Michael Vick jersey you use as a nightie – the one that makes your thighs look like oversized Snausages. Which is kind of sad, Barb. A life well-lived is all about finding community.

P.S. – Incidentally, Barb, the Lord hath spoken through His servant, the Green Bay Packers’ Tramon Williams. Enjoy:

There has been much chatter about Speaker Boehner’s tanned skin. What do you think of the tan? Do you wonder what he’d look like with a paler hue? Do you think there is any truth to him faking and baking? – Nancy Pelosi, San Francisco, CA

Well Nancy, I think making fun of John Boehner’s tan is so 2010. With a new Republican Congress, I prefer to be more forward-looking, more 2011, making fun of Boehner’s tears, whereby, he squirts like a pimpled tween who’s just been informed that Nick Jonas has a girlfriend.

See my previously stated case on why men, particularly Republican men, need to refrain from public weeping. Republicans need to toughen up. The only time I ever remember seeing you cry was when they wrenched the Speaker’s gavel from your talons. (Also, whenever your favorite soft-rock station plays Bonnie Tyler’s “Total Eclipse of the Heart.”)

That said, I take Boehner at his word that his hue is natural/golf-related. If he were hitting a tanning bed, he’d be more pinkish-red. If he were spray-tanning, he’d be a lot streakier, due to runniness from all the crying. Personally, whether it’s real or fake, I fully support Boehner’s tan. Not only does it project virility and robustness in the manly tradition of Theodore Roosevelt. But it also says to the world that America is about opportunity and inclusion, a place where even an apricot person of color can grow up to be Speaker of the House.

Matt Labash is a senior writer with the Weekly Standard magazine. His book, “Fly Fishing With Darth Vader: And Other Adventures with Evangelical Wrestlers, Political Hitmen, and Jewish Cowboys,” was published this spring by Simon and Schuster. Have a question for Matt Labash? Submit it here.