What a difference a week makes. Just 7 short days ago, nobody outside of Rebecca Black’s friends and family had ever heard of her. Now we only wish we hadn’t.

If you’ve been completely cut off from the outside world for the past week and don’t know what I’m talking about, here goes. Please accept my apologies in advance:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CD2LRROpph0

This video was posted to YouTube on February 10, but it didn’t take off until a week ago when people started noticing how… unique it is. Since then it’s shot up to 16 million views and counting. “Rebecca Black” has been a trending topic on Twitter all week. “Friday” is at #54 on iTunes. YouTube parodies pop up by the hour. She’s on Good Morning America as I’m typing this. (Their angle, of course, is how mean the Internet is. Gotta back up Obama on cyberbullying!)

Welcome to the future. How do you like it?

One thing: the sudden rap break in the middle of the song may seem jarring, but don’t be alarmed by the older African-American gentleman speeding after the 13-year-old girl’s school bus. Her parents paid him to, and clearly it was the best money they’ve ever spent. If you watch the other videos by vanity crapmill Ark Music Factory, the people who brought us this masterpiece — and I have watched them, strictly for research purposes — you’ll see that this fellow lends his talents to almost all of their aggressively Auto-Tuned tweener anthems. His name is Clarence Jey, but he’s also been dubbed Fat Usher. I like to call him P. Diddyphile.

Now if you’ll excuse me, gottahavemybowlgottahavecereal.

P.S. To my friend Michael J. Nelson, who started this whole phenomenon with a single tweet, I just want to say: You know I love you, no matter what you do.

P.P.S. Alright, let’s settle this once and for all:

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