Hillary Clinton has announced that she will not serve a second term as President Obama’s secretary of state. Here are the top ten things Obama will look for in her replacement.
1.) See if any of the Wisconsin Democratic state senators are available. They already fully grasp the concept of “cut and run,” so there would be a smooth transition period.
2.) They will need to be hard-headed. Literally. As President Obama has learned from meeting the Saudi king and the communist Chinese premier, if you bow low enough sometimes your forehead will bump the floor.
3.) They must be able to chant the mantra that “Islam is a religion of peace” without flinching, no matter how many people get blown up or shot.
4.) They need to understand that it is completely unacceptable for the Israelis to accidently hurt a Palestinian. In addition, if a Palestinian straps explosives to one of his children and sends them into a crowded market to intentional kill and maim as many Jews as possible, the Israelis are to be blamed for that as well.
5.) They must believe that when a terrorist gunman or bomber is mowing down innocents and shouts “Allah Akbar,” what he really meant to say is: “It’s George W. Bush’s fault!”
6.) Their lifetime goal should be to make American foreign policy more like French foreign policy.
7.) They should have autographed pictures of Hugo Chavez and Fidel Castro on their desks. Steamy love letters from Mahmoud Ahmadinejad or Kim Jung-il will get you extra credit.
8.) Despite the number of times VP Joe Biden sticks his foot in his mouth by saying something profoundly stupid, when it comes to foreign policy, they must think Biden is “a big f*#king deal.”
9.) Their motto should be, “If it’s good enough for the United Nations, then it’s good enough for the United States.”
10.) They should never, ever call at 3 a.m.
Rod Pennington’s seventh novel will be out later this year and he has also sold two screenplays. In addition he is a prolific “ghostwriter” whose work has appeared under other people’s bylines in many major publications. He would tell who and where but then he would have to kill you.