On Aug. 27, 2012, Mitt Romney and Rick Santorum joined forces to avoid the fallout from a brokered convention. On the first ballot cast, Romney became the Republican presidential nominee, and Santorum became the vice presidential nominee. These are the emails they exchanged in the aftermath of their deal.
Aug. 28, 2012
From: Mitt Romney
To: Rick Santorum
Hey Rick,
I’m super pumped that you have (finally!) come around to the conclusion that I am the only candidate that can beat Obama in November. As we say in the Romney household, let bygones be bygones, even though you have forced the first brokered Republican convention in a generation just so you could be vice president. I’m totally “cool” with your decision to keep campaigning after all your hopes of actually winning this thing had long since evaporated, and know that you will bring the same energy and drive you brought to the primary now that we’re working together.
Believe in America,
Mitt
P.S. Please see your new talking points from my son Tagg, cc’d here.
P.P.S. We’ll be sure to add your name to our new campaign website soon as your people work out that “Internet search problem” of yours. Just kidding, pal!
Aug. 29, 2012
From: Rick Santorum
To: Mitt Romney
Thanks buddy!
Really psyched about teaming up together. I know I called you the worst Republican possible to go up against Obama. In retrospect, I may have been unfair. Larry Craig would have been pretty bad too — though, in fairness, he never proposed a health care mandate. Is Nelson Rockefeller still alive? I forget.
Tagg’s talking points look great. I liked that he wrote them in crayon — real classy! Any chance we can get the phrase “man on dog” into them? Just kidding. No need to sabotage this campaign. That would be gratuitous.
It’s a good thing I’m still young and I’ll have more bites at the apple! Just curious, has anyone ever been elected president for the first time at the age of 69? Or on their third try? Just googled it and looks like I found YOUR Google problem — the answers are NO and NO.
Your wingman,
Rick
Sept. 1, 2012
From: Mitt Romney
To: Rick Santorum
Hey Rick,
Good joke about my son. I know everyone in Mitt HQ really appreciates your “fresh” brand of humor. We also appreciate your comments about losing the election on purpose. What a delight.
Kidding aside, I know we would all really appreciate if you could stick to the talking points that Taggart wrote for you. I read them over, and I don’t remember them saying anywhere that you should refer to Washington Post reporters as “queer boys” or challenge Rachel Maddow to a fistfight.
Here are some lines Eric Fehrnstrom thought you might like to use when speaking with reporters, should we ever give you an opportunity to do so again:
“Mitt Romney believes wholeheartedly in the sanctity of life.”
“I lost to a man who signed the nation’s first individual mandate law because he is much smarter than I am.”
“Take pity on me, a poor buffoon from the hinterlands, and vote for my boss Mitt Romney.”
Believe in America,
Mitt
P.S. Ann asks that you tell Karen hi for her, and apologizes for canceling her lunch plans with you guys again. Maybe next week?
Sept. 3, 2012
From: Rick Santorum
To: Mitt Romney
Hey Mitt,
Really great guidance. Much appreciated. Quick question though: In our Jewish outreach, are we going to incorporate into the talking points how your church so graciously converts victims of the Holocaust posthumously? I really think that will be a winner down in South Florida.
I understand if you can’t use me too much for media — actually, I would prefer keeping a low profile. I’m not a big fan of lying.
Your loyal wingman,
Rick
P.S. Karen says she would prefer going to Ellen DeGeneres wedding than breaking bread with Ann.
P.P.S. Just putting together the list of people to invite to my presidential inauguration in 2017. I’ll do my best to get you on the list, but no guarantees.
Sept. 17, 2012
From: Mitt Romney
To: Rick Santorum
Hey Rick,
By now you’ve seen our schedule as we take our (my) campaign into the home stretch. As Tagg told you on the phone just now, we’re really excited to have you start barnstorming our nation’s overseas territories for the next few weeks. Areas like Guam and Samoa have always been important to Team Romney’s success (remember all those delegates we won?!?), and we know you’re just the man to bring our message of fiscal responsibility to their local native populations.
After that, we plan to have you spend a great deal of time in Alaska, where your brand of folksy bull-donkey is sure to play well among the state’s survivalists, gun nuts and shut-ins.
Also, while I realize you don’t like the stump speech we wrote for you, it sure would be swell if you could delete the part where you refer to Thomas Jefferson as “atheist human garbage” and mainstream Lutherans as “Satan-worshipers.”
Believe in America,
Mitt
P.S. Taggart and I would appreciate it if you stopped shouting “homo alert” when you see him at campaign functions. Thanks.
Oct. 12, 2012
From: Rick Santorum
To: Mitt Romney
Hey buddy,
Let me just apologize for some of my comments in last night’s vice presidential debate. I think part of the problem was that I haven’t spoken in front of people who speak English in some time thanks to Tagg’s brilliant idea to have me extensively campaign in the Northern Marianas Islands (by the way, if you decide to send me back there, I would appreciate if the campaign could find enough funds so my accommodations include both a roof and running water this time).
But back to the debate. I realize now that referring to Tagg and his brothers as your “merry band of sissies” during a nationally televised debate was uncalled for. Also, referring to you as Gov. Mandate may not have been the best turn of phrase. I will also cease saying I will leave the country if you are elected president.
I know some may say polling in the low teens with three weeks to go is a bad sign for our prospects, but I really think we still can pull this thing out. You can count on me.
Your wingman,
Rick
Nov. 7, 2012
From: Mitt Romney
To: Rick Santorum
Hey Rick,
Well, here we are. I noticed we lost in all the territories you campaigned in, along with 49 states (God bless Mississippi!), but I guess you won’t have to leave the country now.
On a personal note, I don’t think it was particularly gracious for you to refer to Tagg as “Mitt’s fat little daughter” in your concession speech last night. Nor was it nice to tell Ann to find a “real man” now that her “family’s dreams have been dashed forever.”
But I was always taught by my father that two wrongs never make a right, which is why I want to apologize for telling the Secret Service that you were a deranged homeless man who had somehow snuck into Mitt HQ last night. As thrilling as it was to see you tazed again and again by highly trained federal officers, and even though I will cherish the sound of your screams for the rest of my life, I do want to say I’m sorry.
Let me also compliment you for all your hard work over the course of this campaign, and applaud your ability to continue taunting my son even as you were being beaten unconscious by the Secret Service.
I wish you Godspeed as you recover from your injuries, and hope that you awake from your coma before the 2016 primaries.
Fondly,
Mitt
TheDC Satire: Follow Will and follow Jamie on Twitter