DC Trawler

Jim Carrey isn’t very good at expressing himself with words

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Last week, former movie star Jim Carrey released an allegedly comedic song and video lambasting gun owners, most notably the late Charlton Heston. You might’ve heard about it.

Cold Dead Hand with Jim Carrey from Jim Carrey

Ha ha ha! Get it?

Since then, Carrey has spent most of his time whining on Twitter about the people who didn’t like it. Now Arianna Huffington has given Carrey a platform to be incoherent and self-pitying at much greater length. Here’s a small portion of his HuffPo post replying to his critics, titled “I Never Wanted to Take Your Guns Away”:

I disagree wholeheartedly with those who say that there are just too many guns out there to control and that more gun laws won’t make a difference. Change must start someplace. I’m pretty sure that no worthwhile endeavor has ever been accomplished without a beginning and reducing gun violence in America is a worthwhile endeavor…

I think he’s trying to say “You have to start somewhere,” and that if you disagree with him about the best way to reduce gun violence, that means you want more of it. At least that’s what I think he’s trying to say.

Here’s my favorite part of his screed:

For those who say I’m a hypocrite because I have an armed bodyguard, lets [sic] make one thing clear: No one in my employ is allowed to carry a large magazine and NO ONE IS ASKING ANYONE TO GIVE UP THEIR RIGHT TO BEAR ARMS, though it is in the vested interests of those who profit by gun sales to make it seem so. It’s just the type of arms, the easy access and the means with which to cause massive devastation to good and innocent people that I hope we can limit. It’s the quality of mercy, the tiniest spark of empathy that I know lives in every one of us that I wish to ignite in you.

If those are the things Jim Carrey is worried about, why did he release a song condemning gun owners en masse? If you own a gun, Jim Carrey accused you of being a heartless, paranoid, jingoistic monster who’s trying to compensate for having a small penis, and then he literally flipped you off. And he did all this while being protected by men with guns. Now that he’s being criticized for his hypocrisy, he’s claiming victimhood.

And to the bullies who will try to marginalize and discredit me by saying, “Shut up, you’re just an actor,” while they brag about what a great president the ACTOR Ronald Reagan was, who threaten me with the demise of my acting career and much worse, I say SO BE IT! How shallow do they think I am? I would trade my money, my fame, my reputation and legacy if there were the slightest chance of preventing the anguish of another Columbine, Virginia Tech, Aurora, or Sandy Hook Elementary School. I ask you, truly, what manner of human being would not?

Jim Carrey is deep. Just ask him.

It’s easy to claim money doesn’t matter to you when you’re swimming in it. Oh, and Reagan was an actor, so shut up.

After a few hundred more words of disorganized nattering, Carrey closes with this:

So don’t just sit there and do nothing. Contact your representatives and let them know that their jobs depend upon change. It won’t always be someone else’s kids in the line of fire.

The time is now. LET YOUR HEART BE HEARD.

Yeah, leave your brain out of it. So far, so good.

Speaking only for myself, I don’t want Jim Carrey to go back to Canada. I want him to go back where he really belongs: the ’90s.

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Jim Treacher