The Daily Caller’s Schwartzel-to-Snedeker guide to The Masters

Daniel Redmond Contributor
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The eyes of the sporting public look to Georgia Thursday as The Masters Golf Tournament begins.

The Augusta National Golf Club has strict rules for its broadcast partner CBS. Golf fans are called “patrons” and are escorted out for the smallest disturbance. They even require you to sit up straight if seated on the ground. If only more clubs would observe this practice. Shouts of “Baba booey!” and “mashed potatoes!” have been ringing out this year on the PGA tour after a player tees off.

Yes, mashed potatoes. To try and understand this inanity is to let them win. These patrons should be shunned and/or punched. Here’s hoping one of the Pinkertons at Augusta deal some Old World justice to these idiot fans. Rumor has it Augusta does have a secret prison.

Here are the favorites to win The Masters, interspersed with snarky one liners and clever predictions:

Louis Oosthuizen: If you say his name three times and pronounce it correctly, a big gap between your teeth magically appears. Google his name and the joke makes more sense. He had the greatest shot in the history of golf last year at The Masters with a double eagle at the par 5 second hole. Unfortunately for Louis, Bubba Watson trumped his greatest shot ever with a hooked wedge from the pine straw to within 15 feet of the hole, leading to victory in a playoff. Louis has the sweetest swing on tour and will finish in the top five, but will not win. Nice guy, too. He is a farmer back in South Africa. An honest-to-God farmer. Who wouldn’t root for a farmer? Besides a rancher.

Charl Schwartzel: Schwartzel is another South African who won the Master in 2011. Great swing, great under pressure, bad name. Charl. Whatever you do, don’t call him Charles. And the “H” is not silent. Charl will not make the cut, but will hold his head high while leaving the grounds of Augusta, because that’s the type of person he is. A proud South African with the first name of Charl.

Phil Mickelson: Phil got very unlucky last year at Augusta. While leading the tournament his tee shot on No. 4 kicked off a grandstand and out of bounds. Then, wouldn’t you know, a groundhog snatched it and went and used it to build a dam, for some reason, even though it wasn’t a beaver. That last part may not be true.

Eldrick Woods: This American golfer’s real name is Eldrick Woods, but a long time ago, he started going by the nickname “Tiger.”

This is supposed to be a reformed, somewhat humbler Tiger. I don’t see it. He is one of the only players on tour who curses openly and throws clubs. Strangely enough crowds still seem to love him — sycophants, all of them. I guess being the most dominant athlete in any sport ever has its privileges. He is the overwhelming favorite to win. However, I can’t envision any scenario where the good Lord in heaven above will allow this unrepentant sinner to win this illustrious golf tournament. Unless he putts well.

Rory McIlroy: this fresh-faced Irish lad is ready to overtake Tiger as the best in the sport. That was the storyline until he signed with the monolith Nike. Now he is struggling to make cuts and walked off the course after playing poorly last month. Hopefully Nike and his new found friendship with Tiger will not corrupt this kid. For example, After Rory congratulated Tiger via text on ascending back to No. 1 in the world, Tiger responded with a text saying, “Get your finger out of your ass and win.” Is “get your finger out of your ass” a common expression? I mean, excluding mental patients?

“Hey Larry, where are you?”

“I’m running late, had some car trouble.”

“Larry, you need to get your finger out of your ass and get over here!”

Rory did play well in Texas last week, so it is possible that he puts it together this weekend, but I honestly do not see him getting his finger out of his ass and winning.

Keegan Bradley: Winner of the 2011 PGA Championship, Keegan is known for his odd pre-shot routine where he lunges to and from, staring at and stalking the ball. It’s hard to explain, but it’s annoying. Nice guy, but takes too long to play, thus making him a bad guy. The PGA played up the fact he lived in a trailer park growing up. Wow, what a story! Rags to riches! Well, it was too good to be true. He lived in a trailer with his dad for a while but always had a home in the suburbs. And he was a competitive junior skier. Now I know trailer parks are hotbeds for great skiers and golfers, but that just wasn’t the case for Keegan Bradley.

Brandt Snedeker: Here is another golfer who doesn’t help the PGA shed its affluent image. Just the name alone: when you’re born Brandt Snedeker having a butler is just assumed. Brandt has taken some heat on the tour this year because he only plays tournaments located on either coast. Is that because he only travels by yacht?

Have a great weekend, and enjoy The Masters.

Australian Adam Scott is going to win, by the way.

Dan Redmond is a freelance writer who can be found at @danfromdc. He has been called the greatest tweeter of his generation.