Australians elect conservative leader amid boomerang attacks

Scoops Delacroix Freelance Writer
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CANBERRA, Australia (TheDC) – Australian voters delivered a crushing defeat to the country’s ruling Labour Party in elections over the weekend amid beer shortages and a spike in boomerang attacks.

Prime Minister-elect Koala McDidgeridoo, the leader of the center-right Liberal Party, celebrated the outcome by “havin’ a naughty” at a small Darwin brothel Saturday night.

“From today I declare that Australia is under new management and Australia is once more open for business,” McDidgeridoo told roughly 20 supporters and prostitutes who had assembled to hear his victory speech.

“Right, now show us your tits,” he added.

Later in the evening, outgoing Prime Minister Mark Rudd told dejected Labour supporters that he would be stepping down as leader of the party and praised McDidgeridoo as a “sharp cunt.”

“Never would’a happened if we hadn’t let the fuckin’ kangaroos vote,” he said immediately before vomiting. Rudd was forced to pay a small fine for this comment, as kangaroos are categorized as an indigenous people in the country’s hate speech law.

Rudd, who was forced to step down in 2010 but was reinstated earlier this year, will go down in history as the first Australian leader to fly in a plane.

“It’s hard to argue he hasn’t helped modernize the country,” Thom Hennessy, a professor of Australian studies at Georgetown University, told The Daily Caller. “Keep in mind that most Australians didn’t have indoor plumbing until this century.”

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