So 2013 was quite a year. Lots of drama. Firings. Hirings. Retweetings. Parties. Poop. And more. Let’s break it all down and decide what we want more of and less of in the new year.
1. More people who say whatever the hell they want. Less people who over explain that retweets are not endorsements. Who gives a shit? Sometimes they are, sometimes they’re not. I’m sure the intuitive reader will figure out your alliances. And stop telling us that your tweets are your own and not that of your employer when you work for a lawmaker, discuss your work on Twitter, are a lobbyist or a reporter for any publication around Washington or beyond.
2. More Marty Rudolf, as in we want to know more about this “online news junkie.” Who is he, what does he really do with his life and what does his voice sound like? Why has he become so special to the Washington and New York press corps? Less Morgan Fairchild, who intends to ass-kiss her way to lunch with every “V.I.P.” in Washington when she comes to This Town.
3. More news panels with two Jews like CNN’s Jake Tapper and NYT‘s Mark Leibovich. Less dysfunctional mental cases like Mediaite‘s White House correspondent Tommy Christopher and Asperger’s ridden In These Times reporter Mike Elk ranting about the journalist du jour being a racist, an ableist or any other kind of ist.
4. More trips outside of Washington. Less weekends spent in a coma from working so hard during the week.
5. More Rachel Jeantel (a witness for Trayvon Martin in the George Zimmerman murder trial). Now that Katie Couric‘s out, give this woman a daily talk show. She’ll tell it like it is, “Sir.” Less MSNBC’s preachy and unbearable to watch (except to see how awful he really is) Chris Hayes.
6. More fact checking. Less of everything out of Poynter’s error-laced Andrew Beaujean, who issued a grand 42 corrections in 2013. Congratulations Poynter. You must be so proud.
7. More Sen. Chuck Grassley (R-Iowa) and Rep. Steve Cohen (D-Tenn.) acting crazy on Twitter. In Cohen’s case, when people assumed he was sleeping with a much younger woman, he came clean about an alleged long-lost daughter who ultimately wasn’t his. Less Capitol Hill aides who get brought up on child pornography possession charges.
8. More Washington journalists, bloggers and lawmakers who are smarter than a monkey and have enough common sense to understand that when they put something out there on Facebook that no, it’s not private. Less stupid people.
9. More early morning fights and bizarre makeups between WaPo “The Plumline’s” Greg Sargent and Ron Fournier. Less Dave Weigel thinking he’s so clever on Twitter or acting like he regrets JournoList.
10. More journalists who shower daily and use deodorant. Less people who walk with their faces stuffed into their smartphones and crash into you on the sidewalk because they’re not looking. Seriously, we’re sick of you assholes. Look up and put down the phone for 20 minutes of your life.
11. More This Town references in daily coversation. Less talk of, “So, are you going to Tammy Haddad‘s party?” And for that matter, less talk of, “But I’m going to write her and see if she’ll let me in.”
12. More long lunches at fancy restaurants with people you actually like. Less working long, insane hours with nothing great to show for it.
13. More spending time with people and not feeling the need to tweet it out (or use that phrase). Less live tweeting mom’s death (here’s looking at you NPR’s Scott Simon) who, in her final days, tweeted out a picture of her hospital room toilet. Some people found the whole thing touching.
14. More adding a little whiskey to your latte in the middle of the day. Less forgetting to eat because you were on deadline and lost track of time.
15. More use of the word “poop” in cable news shows (thank you ex-MSNBCer Martin Bashir). Less journalists calling on anyone to apologize. Get over yourself. You’re a journalist, not a politician and no one owes you or anyone you think deserves one an apology.
16. More horribly written stories by Slate‘s Matthew Yglesias. More follow-ups like this one by Free Beacon’s C.J. Ciaramella, which analyzed Yglesias’ work with amusing finesse.
17. More binge-watching shows on Netflix (thinking of you BuzzFeed‘s Ashley McCollum, who watched Scandal in a weekend). Less walking around all dazed and out of it going, “What’s ‘House of Cards?'” For that matter, less asking “Who’s Peter Russo?” when you say Rep. Trey Radel (R-Fla.), the cocaine congressman, really is Peter Russo.
18. Less news stories about Jeff Bezos purchasing the Washington Post and how he hasn’t made a single change. More news about what he’s actually doing to improve the goddamn newspaper.
19. More sex scandal in Washington. More lawmakers trooping off to rehab or therapy sessions for whatever fetish has surfaced. The weirder the scandal, the better. We can never have enough of that. Less vanilla and politicians quitting because they “want to spend more time with their families.”
20. More The Mirror. Less FishbowlDC.