Feminist group offers ‘State of the Uterus’

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Not to be outdone by President Obama, a pro-choice group lead by comedian Lizz Winstead will have a uterus deliver a speech Tuesday night following the actual State of the Union.

Lady Parts Justice, the group that recently released a video portraying Jesus as okay with abortion, will be live streaming its “State of the Uterus” following President Obama’s State of the Union address and the Republican responses.

“’Madam Uterus’ (UTOUS) for so she shall be addressed — will talk at length about the state of the uterus, and the vagina, in a country where state legislatures have variously deemed that women are pregnant before they are pregnant, have magical powers to deactivate rape sperm, and must be forced to carry stillborn babies to term,” reads a release from the group announcing the event.

Winstead wrote the speech, which will be streamed at the group’s website.

According to prepared remarks, the uterus will lament the number of pro-life laws passed last year, will slam Christian craft store Hobby Lobby for fighting the contraception mandate, and singles Arkansas Gov. Mike Huckabee, former Virginia Attorney General Ken Cuccinelli, and Texas Gov. Rick Perry.

See prepared comments:

Madam fallopian tube, Madam other fallopian tube, Lady Parts Justice Leaguers, members of Congress, and all the other uninvited guests in my chamber.

The state of our uterus is strong.

The end of the year left us unstable, I know that. When the government shut down, there was panic. With no politician in place telling it what to do, our vaginas ran amok.

It was vaganarchy.

But that was then.

I am here tonight to assure the uteri of America that the government is back to work – and that Republicans and Republicans alike are tirelessly fighting so the uteri of America will have the same rights as the uteri of Saudi Arabia.

And the passage of 250 anti choice laws in America in 2013 alone is a pretty good start.

But this isn’t only about the state of the uterus, it’s also about the state of the vagina, and the state of the vagina, my friends, is good and getting better.

So I know we still have some work to do on both the vagina front, and the uterus front and by hearing the hobby lobby case, the Supreme Court is doing its best to do what’s best for us.

And if this Hobby Lobby case doesn’t make you appreciate America’s can-do spirit, I don’t know what will. Only right here in the United States – could a Christian craft store have the opportunity to run big science out of town and into the ground.

This why I am proposing in 2014 that Hobby Lobby employees hot glue gun their knees together as a form of birth control.

That, my friends, is called compromise, and we need to see more of it.

And speaking of guns, we have a few heroes from the war on women gracing us tonight in my upper chamber.

The first 2014 Medal of Honor recipient, Mike Huckabee is here. Just five days ago, we watched Mike Huckabee defeat uncle sugar and his labido jihad—liberating uteri from the tyranny of family planning

Also joining us tonight, Purple Heart recipient, Ken Cuccinelli.

Ken. We thank you and want you to know, there are so many in my chamber tonight who will take up where you left off, to ensure your fight to ban blow jobs will live on to fail another day.

And so my fellow uteri, look inside and see all your political allies, religious allies, Supreme Court allies as well as all of your supporters watching right now on the internet, who from behind their avatars—be it a delicate egg or a eagle clutching an AK, they’ll always remind you they have your back… in an alley…

In conclusion, the state of our uterus is in the hands of so many. As the old saying goes: behind every successful uterus is a man—calling her a whore, while cutting her pay.

So in 2014 this uterus would like you to join us as we begin to explore all 50 states so we can find the Ken Cuccinellis, the Mike Huckabees, or the Rick Perry’s in your state house.

Donate at right now so we can pay tribute to their service and honor them in their fight in the war on women in a way they so richly deserve.

Goodnight. God bless. And God bless the United Uteri of America.

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