This Celeb’s Life Is SO Hard She Needs 20 ‘Medical Professionals’

Rachel Stoltzfoos Staff Reporter
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Gwyneth Paltrow lives a hard life of wealthy celebrity and has to battle mean Internet commenters every day, so it makes complete sense that she has 20 people looking after her health.

A source told Star Magazine that Gwyneth has “an army” of people monitoring her health.

Here’s a breakdown of the “battalion” of “medical care providers,” with a little help from Wikipedia:

1. Allergist

Fair enough.

2. Blood analyst

Probably a quack: “There is no scientific evidence for the validity of live blood analysis, it has been described as a pseudo-scientific, bogus and fraudulent medical test. Its practice has been dismissed by the medical profession as quackery,” according to Wikipedia.

Unless by blood analyst, the source means blood-spatter analyst (someone who evaluates blood at a crime scene), which would be way cooler but pretty shady.

3. Naturopath

More quackery: Practitioners of naturopathy often prefer methods of treatment that are not compatible with evidence-based medicine, and in doing so, reject the tenets of biomedicine and modern science. Naturopathic medicine is replete with pseudo-scientific, ineffective, unethical, and possibly dangerous practices,” according to Wikipedia.

4. Osteopath

Sounds like a fancy massage therapist: “Its practitioners claim that the wellbeing of an individual depends on their bones, muscles, ligaments and connective tissue functioning smoothly together. … There are few high-quality research studies demonstrating that osteopathy is effective in treating any medical condition other than lower back pain,” according to Wikipedia.

5. Meditation teacher


6. Yoga guru

Yoga’s acceptable.

7. Qi Gong expert

Some kind of martial arts practice used to cultivate “life energy.” What’s wrong with yoga?

8. Cupping massage therapist

Ancient Chinese form of “medicine” using heat and suction cups to “promote healing.” 

9. Rolfing massage therapist

What? Some kind of forceful massage technique used to “reposition tissues under the skin.”

10. Hot stones massage therapist

Heard of this one.

11. Shiatsu massage therapist

Has to do with releasing that “life energy” so the body can heal.

12. Nutritionist

Tells her what to eat.

13. Nutritionist

Also tells her what to eat.

14. Nutritionist

Tells her other stuff not to eat?

15. Nutritionist


16. Personal trainer

17. Personal trainer

18. Personal trainer

Again, what?

19. Detox Advocate

This guy puts Gwyneth on cleanses, apparently when he deems appropriate.

20. The source only named 19 of the 20 “medical care professionals,” but lets hope for Gwyneth’s sake the last one adheres to some kind of scientific standard.

Feeling inadequately watched out for? Don’t worry about it — Gwyneth needs all this because she’s special. As the source explained to Star, “If anyone balks at all her gurus, she fires back that with her high-profile lifestyle, it’s necessary.”

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