This week, it was revealed that the youth-oriented progressive website BuzzFeed currently has a job listing on its site for a “Men’s Interests” writer. Predictably, liberals expressed outrage that the staunchly feminist site would set aside a job specifically for a man, or that it thinks men have different interests than women, or that it thinks men even deserve to have their interests represented on the Internet, or something.
BuzzFeed staffer Alana Massey even snarked that she can’t wait to welcome the new Men’s Interest writer to “The Friend Zone” (that’s an insult in their world).
Since he’s always aspired to be in the Friend Zone with Alana Massey, Patrick Howley has decided to fill out an application for the job. Below, Howley listed his own genuine American male interests. He then tried to figure out how to change, water-down or accelerate each of these interests so he could relate to the sanctimonious progressives who run BuzzFeed.
Here’s Howley’s application:
Interest #1: Drinking Beer
I like drinking a lot of beer. Almost every single day, either at the Daily Caller keg or a neighborhood bar or at my apartment, I drink beer. I mostly just get a Sam Adams if I’m out with friends or a Guinness if I’m out alone or a Yuengling if I have to go to some stupid happy hour, and I keep a steady 12-pack of PBR in the fridge. So, there it is. And it’s not a problem. At all. If anything, not drinking beer would be a problem. Trust me.
How To Relate: No more of that pedestrian tripe. From now on, I only drink florid designer imported shit while accompanied by unshowered bicycle polo players. I’m going to taste every kind of microbrew like it’s wine and gargle it around in my mouth at tastings in Brooklyn, and then I’m going to judge other people by what beers they like. From now on all my beer-drinking will be associated with being mean to people.
#2: Chick-fil-A
Specifically the Chick-fil-A food truck. It parks outside on K Street sometimes, and let me tell you — it makes the whole afternoon better. I’m really into lots of different kinds of fast food. McDonald’s. I’m a regular at Wendy’s. Subway or Potbelly’s on occasion. Sometimes Panda Express. But Chick-fil-A really is my favorite.
How To Relate: Googling Chick-fil-A makes it clear why this might be problematic in a BuzzFeed environment. But don’t worry.
When I eat Chick-fil-A at the office, I’ll tell the other BuzzFeeders that I’m just doing an ironic appropriation of heteronormative traditions. I will make us ALL confront our own prejudices by publicly shaming the sweet, tender, delicious chicken in the middle of the office with some honey mustard sauce. If I’m pro-active enough about it, we can even open a dialogue on the matter that can both inform and enlighten.
#3: Sports
Personally, I like watching football, both college and NFL. My favorite team is the New England Patriots, so I had a good month. I also like to watch basketball, mostly college. And I go to some Nationals games in the summer and I definitely watch the MLB playoffs. I don’t know that much about soccer or women’s sports, though. Sorry.
How To Relate: Every time I watch ESPN or read Sports Illustrated or watch games that Bob Costas is broadcasting, all I hear is stuff about racism against Indians, Michael Sam, or feminist issues when it comes to the cheerleaders. It’s weird. It’s almost as if liberals are making a concerted effort to completely ruin something that regular non-liberals enjoy. Let’s keep that going. By the time I actualize my BuzzFeed issue points, I’ll have the Notre Dame Leprechaun paying for a Planned Parenthood visit.
#4: Entourage
HELL YEAH! Ari Gold, baby. Movie is dropping June 5th. Mark your calendars. Me and Al Weaver are hitting that up opening night.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tnUpqMPtigo (VIDEO)
How To Relate: The character “Lloyd” is homosexual.
#5: Cute women
Note that I didn’t say “hot women.” I mean, I like them too. But most of the women I try to date are kind of cute and flirty and colorful and whatnot. I like to spend time with cute women.
How To Relate: Obviously, I can’t judge the opposite sex by criteria like “cute” in the year 2015. That’s shameful. Don’t worry, I’m not a war criminal. In order to make my disgusting caveman desires palatable to a Gen-Y audience, I will only date women who are at least fifteen pounds above ideal weight. Much like Topanga from “Boy Meets World,” who was great at size 8, my dates will more than endear me to the “fat acceptance movement.” Within reason. (Repeat: Within reason).
(Repeat: Within reason).
#6: Watching WWII Documentaries
Like many men blessed to live in the post-History Channel age, I can watch WWII documentaries for 12 hours straight every day of the week. I love it. Every time, you find out something new about Winston Churchill’s bravery or the German blunder on the Eastern front. Get me a hundred of those shows on DVD for Christmas and I’ll be set for the year.
How To Relate: You know Adolf Hitler, the bad guy. Two words for you: “White privilege.” Am I right?
#7: Youporn.com
I’ll just be honest here.
How To Relate: Ever hear of “social media”? I don’t know if you’re, like, even AWARE but we’re living in what I like to call the “social media generation.” User-generated content is very important. Do you know what “viral” content is? All of these things are encapsulated by Youporn.com. Maybe Ben can mention that in his next radio interview…you know, when he jerks himself off.
#8: Monogamy
Sometimes if I meet a nice cute girl, even if she’s heavier than a typical actress (within reason), I like to practice monogamy, whereby a man and a woman have an exclusive relationship where they care about each other and are devoted to each other and help each other and don’t cheat on each other with lots of random dudes.
How To Relate: Monogamy is just an institutionalized form of “Slut-shaming.” Don’t worry, my girlfriend can explore her womanhood with as many drunken bar patrons as these progressive times warrant. No sluts will be ashamed on my watch.
#9: America
Personally, I believe that America is the greatest country in the history of the world. I believe that the Founding Fathers forged a noble experiment in freedom and that American values of democracy, free speech, and private enterprise afford dignity, opportunity, and happiness for anyone in the world willing to work for it. I think this is a great nation.
How To Relate: Nope. No. We definitely do not agree on this one. Sorry. Not even close.
#10: Skeeball
Best game ever!
