DC Trawler

Naked Lady On Drugs Trashes Subway Restaurant In Anchorage, AK

I don’t blame Subway for going in a different direction after the whole Jared deal, but I’m not sure this new spokeswoman is going to work out.

KTVA, Anchorage:

The woman accused of trashing an East Anchorage Subway Tuesday night has been identified as 35-year-old Nikki Abrell, authorities say…

According to charging documents, Abrell was naked, destroying the inside of the Subway restaurant when police arrived…

Abrell “appeared to under the influence of drugs” and “could not hold a conversation only murmured her statements,” a responding officer said in a formal complaint.

The cops think she was on “spice,” which is the fake-marijuana stuff that I’ve never tried probably.

Here’s the video.

WARNING: Butt-ass naked lady trashing a Subway, just like the headline says

“I said no onions. NO ONIONS!”

What a weird way to trash a place. She doesn’t look like she’s in a rage or anything. She just knows that none of that stuff is in the right place and she needs to fix it. Very purposeful. “Here, let me just nudge this over with my foot… Perfect!” Plus, she needed to be naked because it’s Alaska in October.

Don’t do drugs, you guys. If you must, don’t do spice, because it doesn’t look like very much fun. But if you have to do spice, just stay home and order a pizza like everybody else.

Update: The Law Won’t Stop Future Naked Subway Rampages, And That’s Okay. Has anybody ever done anything like this on real marijuana? Who has the energy? Maybe if it was legal, people wouldn’t goof around with this fake stuff and make the headlines.

Update: All joking aside… holy crap.

It’s like somebody took all the lies about the effects of marijuana and reverse-engineered a drug to trigger those effects. If it’s that horrifying to watch, I can’t imagine what it’s like to experience it. And I do not want to.