BuzzFeed staffer Loryn Brantz visited a nude beach and hated every minute of it.
In what continues to be puzzling story genre, BuzzFeed dresses their plus-sized women up in crop tops or like Victoria’s Secret swimsuit models and has them strut their stuff on the beach and around town. When innocent bystanders don’t have the reactions they think they should have — which is incredibly loving, accepting and complimentary — said BuzzFeed staffer cries victimhood.
In the latest victim-seeking feature, Brantz — who is not plus-sized — went to a nude beach to “celebrate” her body, but instead, “it was kind of a nightmare.”
Her complaining starts in the headline.
Early on, Brantz, a staff writer and illustrator, explains why she’s doing this: She’s battling old demons.
“At 31 years old, I’ve conquered an eating disorder, most of my body dysmorphia, and countless other seemingly unconquerable insecurities,” she writes.
So if she was afraid of heights she might jump out of an airplane. And if arachnaphobia was her thing, she might lock herself in a room full of spiders.
At 31, she says her time with “reasonably ripe” body is running out (Pssst…BuzzFeed, there are lots of women over 30 with beautiful, fit bodies).
On a visually hilarious note, BuzzFeed uses its circle-shaped “OMG” logos to cover up Brantz’s breast and vajajay areas. There is one photograph — see above — that includes some right side-boob.
Loryn gets “brave.” As she’s getting ready to leave the land of clothes, she puts on makeup and prepares to get naked.
“Even though I never wear makeup to the beach, I find myself slathering it on — my tits may be out, but at least my dark circles will be well undercover,” she explains.
Once in the car, she starts reading Jessica Valenti‘s Sex Object and starts crying before she’s done reading the forward. Valenti writes about some of the hardships she’s edured — including — WHOA! — that a Politico reporter once wrote about her breasts. Loryn says, “I relate to it all so hard it hurts.” Uh…really?
Then Loryn explains why she’s subjecting herself to a nude beach experience and posting it on BuzzFeed: “I’m doing this nude beach trip to take back my body, which society long ago decided it owned. To take back what’s mine.”
Is this bravery or serious self-loathing?
We soon learn that Loryn flashed teenage boys in high school — a ritual she calls a “bizarre practice” she did to seem desirable. And then, predictably, she’s angry and once again explaining why she’s hitting a nude beach: “I’m doing it to show the world my body isn’t theirs to force into a size or shape, to decide what happens to my ovaries, or how high my tits should rest. I’m doing it for my fucking self.”
Loryn is clearly hardened. When a nude man with silver hair approaches and kindly warns that the rest of the beach is too rocky, she says internally, this guy just wants to see her tits. She’s not even undressed yet. But sure enough, she removes her top and the silver haired man starts “smirking” and “watching.”
He internal pep talk sounds like a rape rally: “TAKE BACK YOUR BODY!”
She goes skinny dipping, but that feels awful.
Ultimately she puts her bathing suit back on. She says she looks forward to doing this again at a beach with more women and more privacy. (Isn’t the point to let it all hang out in front of those evil men who’ve always tormented her?)
As with this whole monstrosity of an article, she blames the men, she blames the beach and even blames THE WORLD for not being ready to see her breasts. She writes, “Hopefully, by my 32nd birthday, the world will be a little more ready for my tits, and I’ll be a little more ready to enjoy them.”
Does Loryn know how many gross people hit nude beaches? Has she ever been on European sand?
If not, she should go and check out the old men with their huge bowling ball stomachs and wrinkly asses who don’t give a crap what anyone around them thinks.
Back to BuzzFeed‘s latest victim experiment, though. How about stop wearing the half shirts? Stop going to the beach nude and expecting to be greeted by a feminist brigade, CNN’s Sally Kohn or Dr. Phil‘s wife.
Or, accept that if you partake in such worldly adventures, bad things might happen.