As the summer of 2016 dribbles away, it’s time once again to celebrate the stupidest and most outrageous events that occurred on campus during the last academic year.
A slew of campuses around the country offered up their fair share of lunacy, of course, but events at the University of Missouri reached world-historical, cosmically sublime levels absurdity during the 2015-16 academic year.
Over 30 football players briefly boycotted football because of a hunger strike by the fancypants-rich-boy son of a millionaire railroad executive. Black Lives Matter protests erupted. Groups of protesters marched across campus daily — and camped out in tents on a quad. The protesters called themselves Concerned Student 1950. (The name relates to the year the first black student matriculated at Mizzou.) Hysterical students created a bogus rumor that the Ku Klux Klan was roaming campus. A very angry white professor threatened a student journalist with mob violence. The school president resigned.
Was there a poop swastika? YES!
The wacky protests, the ridiculously cowardly acts of bureaucratic buffoonery, the cringe-worthy political correctness run amok — The Daily Caller chronicled it all as Missouri’s taxpayers watched their flagship state school swirl the drain.
Just keep scrolling — and scrolling — as we look back on Mizzou’s gloriously stupid, hall-of-shame year.
Best Hunger Strike By The Coddled, Fancypants Rich-Boy Son Of A Millionaire: Mizzou Protest Leader Jonathan Butler
Mizzou’s Black Lives Matter protests coalesced and grew huge after affluent graduate student Jonathan Butler posted a (no longer available) letter to school officials on his Facebook page announcing a hunger strike. Butler is the son of a millionaire railroad executive. His father and mother, Eric and Cynthia Butler, are the pastor and co-pastor at Joy of Life Ministries. In addition, Eric Butler is an executive vice president of marketing and sales at Union Pacific, a major railroad corporation. His 2014 compensation was $8.4 million, according to regulatory filings with the Securities and Exchange Commission. “During this hunger strike, I will not consume any food or nutritional sustenance at the expense of my health until either Tim Wolfe is removed from office or my internal organs fail and my life is lost,” Butler said in his letter. (Wolfe was the president of the University of Missouri system. He resigned.) “For me, it really is about a call for justice,” Butler elaborated. “I’m fighting for the black community on campus because justice is worth fighting for. And justice is worth starving for.” (RELATED: Mizzou Hunger Strike Protester Is The Son Of Railroad Executive)
Best Protest Against Obamacare And Abortion Restrictions Involving A Poop Swastika: Mizzou Protesters
Butler explained that he began his hunger strike because someone in a pickup truck allegedly shouted a racist insult at a black student government member. Butler also said he was refusing to eat — possibly until he up and died — because state law prevents Planned Parenthood from performing abortions on the Mizzou campus, because the Obama administration’s Affordable Care Act had led to some cuts in student healthcare coverage and because someone drew a swastika with human feces in a dormitory bathroom. The child of wealth further cited “systems of oppression” and “a slew of racist, sexist, homophobic, etc., incidents that have dynamically disrupted the learning experience.” Butler was critical of the healthcare cuts because, under a new school policy adopted under Obamacare, graduate students would have to buy insurance in individual markets. Butler described the ban on campus abortions as “Planned Parenthood services being stripped from campus.” (RELATED: Mizzou Protesters Angry Over Health Care Cuts Caused By Obamacare)
Best Freakout Over Hallucinated Ku Klux Klan Sightings: Mizzou Protesters
During the wave of protests that swept the University of Missouri, a rumor spread online that members of the Ku Klux Klan were roaming the campus with violent intent. It happened one Tuesday night. Twitter began to explode with students and others claiming that KKK members had been spotted walking around MU’s Columbia campus. The rumors appear to have been given major life after MU’s student body president, Payton Head, made a Facebook post declaring that the KKK sighting had been confirmed and that he was actively working with police and even the National Guard on the matter to combat the KKK menace.
Soon, dozens of Twitter users both on- and off-campus were tweeting about the supposed KKK presence, with some claiming the Klansmen were throwing bricks through dorm windows. Others wildly claimed the KKK were enjoying police protection. Barely an hour after the mania began, local police clarified that there was zero evidence of any KKK activity on campus. Also, the National Guard was not present at MU at all. Shortly after, Head deleted his initial confirmation and apologized for spreading rumors. (RELATED: Mizzou Students Hallucinate KKK On Campus)
Toastiest Poop Swastika Demonstration: Mizzou Protesters
Months after the Mizzou protests died down and even the diehards slunk away, HeatStreet (a Dow Jones website) obtained a boatload of emails from the University of Missouri’s computer network showing the level to which Mizzou administrators — at the very highest levels — catered obsequiously to the Black Lives Matter protesters on campus. In one instance, the campus activists demanded generators and a fire pit to keep themselves warm and cozy as they camped out in tents on a campus quad during chilly November nights. “The students tenting/demonstrating are asking for a generator for their campsite,” Noor Azizan-Gardner, Mizzou’s taxpayer-funded chief diversity officer wrote on Nov. 6. “Is there any way that we can help with this?” Azizan-Gardner explained that student protesters requested “more power outlets and/or a small generator so that they can have heat and refrigeration this weekend.” The quad “really was not designed for a campsite,” an actually sane campus administrator observed in reply. However, (now former) $459,000-per-year chancellor R. Bowen Loftin sided with the protesters. In his own email, Loftin exhorted school officials to “handle power by providing a generator” or “access to more power from campus.” (RELATED: Mizzou Activists Demanded Generators And A TOASTY FIRE PIT As They Protested Poop Swastika)
Most Insufferable, Totalitarian Professor Ever: Melissa Click
At the height of the anti-free speech protests in November, a shocking video emerged on YouTube showing now-fired University of Missouri mass communication professor Melissa Click calling for “muscle” from an angry mob to help remove student journalist Mark Schierbecker. For some reason, protesters had set up blockades to prevent reporters from covering their public political theater. Student protesters could be heard chanting “hey, hey, ho, ho, reporters have got to go.” Schierbecker asked Click if he could interview her. “No, you need to get out,” the taxpayer-funded professor responded. “No, I don’t,” Schierbecker said, prompting Click to grab his camera and shake it. “Hey, who wants to help me get this reporter out of here?” Click shouted to the crowd. “I need some muscle over here.” (RELATED: Mizzou Professor Calls For ‘Muscle’ To Help Remove Reporter Covering Protests)
Most Absurd Résumé Featuring “Fifty Shades of Grey” And A Radical Canned Food Manifesto: Melissa Click
America became enthralled with the specter of Melissa Click — roughly until she was fired for threatening a cameraman with mob violence. Turns out, Click’s 15-year academic career is a terrible, sad joke. Her curriculum vitae — which remains available on Mizzou’s website for some reason — chronicles an eclectic set of interests that she studied at taxpayer expense, including “Twilight,” Martha Stewart and so much more. She proudly boasts a “graduate certificate in advanced feminist studies.” She has written amply about “Fifty Shades of Grey.” She managed to knock out some 15 scholarly pages all about how the act of canning food can help destroy capitalism. (RELATED: The 9 Most Preposterous Parts Of Melissa Click’s Absurd Résumé)
Most Impressive Effort By A Goofball White Professor To Argue She Was Fired As A Warning To Black People: Melissa Click
Eventually, under substantial public pressure from Republican state legislators, Mizzou officials fired Click. She laid low for a couple months. Then, she responded by claiming that sinister forces took away her job to send a warning to black people. “This is all about racial politics,” Click said in a lengthy and sympathetic profile in The Chronicle of Higher Education. “I’m a white lady. I’m an easy target.” “I was the one held accountable,” the taxpayer-funded professor who called for “muscle” to descend upon a student whined. The Chronicle’s write-up also said Click lives in fear, leaving her home each day “bracing for confrontation” in case she runs into a person opposed to her past behavior. Strangely, prior to her time in the limelight, Click seemed to enjoy confrontation — a lot. Video from still another altercation later surfaced showing Click yelling and cussing at cops during Mizzou’s homecoming parade. (RELATED: Melissa Click: I Was Fired Because I’m White)
Saddest Bunch Of Idiots Who Lamented That ISIS Terrorists Stole Their Media Attention: Mizzou Protesters And Their Various Hangers-On
Immediately upon hearing of the November 13 ISIS terrorist attacks in Paris and the resulting massive loss of life, some Mizzou protesters and their fellow travelers around America were upset because the attention they’d been getting for protests over perceived racial injustices was suddenly directed toward the 130 innocent murder victims — and nearly 400 injury victims — in the capital of France. (RELATED: Liberal Activists Upset Paris Terrorist Attacks Are Getting Attention, Not Mizzou Protests)
Best Effort To Return America To Jim Crow Segregation: Mizzou Protesters
Black Mizzou protesters segregated themselves by race at one point during their protest festivities, having white students leave a gathering in order to create a safe, segregated space for racial “healing.” Supporters of Concerned Student 1950 assembled at the school’s student center on a mid-November evening after bad weather had scuttled a planned protest march. The next thing that happened was that that white protesters were asked to leave as the protesters divided themselves into seven subgroups. Prominent national Black Lives Matter activist Johnetta Elzie, who was in Columbia after previously leading protest efforts in Ferguson, Missouri and Baltimore, said the focus groups were intended to create a “black-only healing space.” This summer, incidentally, Elzie proposed that the work of Dallas cop-killing sniper Micah Xavier Johnson was a conspiracy designed to defame the Black Lives Matter movement. (RELATED: Mizzou Protesters Now Segregating Their Members By Race)
Lifetime Achievement Award For Morons Who Don’t Even Know Their Own Rules: Mizzou Administrators
In May, an ad hoc committee at the University of Missouri concluded that the school could have avoided its still-reverberating nationwide humiliation stemming from the Black Lives Matter protests if only officials would have enforced a policy that has been in existence for decades. Turns out, Mizzou has a 67-year-old policy that explicitly prevents students from camping out on campus overnight. The rule, which has been on the books since 1949, doesn’t specifically mention tents, but it does prohibit the creation of any unapproved “bedroom or living room” on campus. Mizzou “has had a prohibition on overnight sleeping on campus for years,” committee member Bob Jerry, a law professor, said. “There is a health and safety concern.” Had taxpayer-funded school officials enforced the policy, the ad hoc committee concluded, the protest likely would never have gained its incredible momentum. (RELATED: Mizzou Officials Realize They Could Have Avoided National Humiliation By ENFORCING EXISTING RULES)
Best Effort At Stifling Free Speech Radical Black Lives Matter Protesters Might Not Like: Mizzou Administrators
As tensions at the University of Missouri raged during the days of protest, the public, taxpayer-funded college’s police department sent an email to students advising them to call the police if they witnessed any incidents of “hurtful speech.” In the email, which quickly appeared on Twitter, MU’s police essentially told students to make a criminal report of any hurtful behaviors (complete with license plate numbers, photos, and more), even though they freely acknowledged that hurtful speech is not a crime. The email added that criminality doesn’t matter because the school could still take disciplinary action against anyone saying anything deemed unpleasant. (RELATED: New Email At Mizzou Orders Students To Call The Police If They’re Offended)
Biggest Application Drop After Days Of Protests, A Poop Swastika And Illusory Klan Hoods: University of Missouri
In the wake of all the campus protests, Mizzou projected a loss of 1,500 students and faced the prospect of a gigantic $32 million budget shortfall. “I am writing to you today to confirm that we project a very significant budget shortfall due to an unexpected sharp decline in first-year enrollments and student retention this coming fall,” MU interim chancellor Hank Foley wrote in a letter to faculty and staff in March. The enrollment drop of 1,500 students for fall 2016 — compared to last fall — caused a huge dip in Mizzou’s tuition income and, thus, is a primary cause of the whopping deficit. The school budget has been cut 5 percent across the board. All hiring is being frozen (barring exceptional circumstances). Annual raises have been canceled. In March, Foley, the chancellor, even announced an intensive effort to recruit potential Mizzou students by phone, email and even via Skype. (RELATED: SHOCKER: After Caving To Race Protesters, Mizzou Is STILL Trolling For Students For The Fall)
Most Amazing Set Of Unmet Demands: Mizzou Protesters
#ConcernedStudent1950, the activist group which drove the Mizzou protests, disrupted a board of curators meeting in February with a public reading of an exciting set of demands. The protest effort began with members of the group chanting slogans and waving signs. One demand was that former University of Missouri president Tim Wolfe — who had resigned in November — issue a written apology and hold a press conference acknowledging his white male privilege. The protester also demanded that the school immediately reinstate Click, the fired “muscle”-seeking professor, and the hiring of a bunch of black faculty members. Despite the very public nature of the protest, several protesters told a reporter for The Columbia Missourian to stop recording the event, and when he refused they formed a wall with their signs to block the reporter’s view. (RELATED: They’re Back! Mizzou Protesters Are Active And Harassing Reporters Again)
Most Epic SMACKDOWN Of Petulant Black Lives Matter Protesters: Chuck Henson
Mizzou’s chief diversity officer, Chuck Henson, authored a letter sharply reprimanding the school’s black activist movement, urging it to stop relying on threats and impossible demands. “If you sincerely want better relationships, the time for demands, threats and arbitrary deadlines is over,” Henson wrote in the missive, which was a response to the February demands. Henson explained that many of the demands would violate state and federal law — not to mention the fact that they made zero economic sense. “For my part, I have been seeking you out. I have invited you to come see me,” Henson observed. “However, as yet we haven’t met. Had you accepted my invitation to meet face-to-face, you would already know the answers to most of the issues raised in your recent communication.” (RELATED: Mizzou Diversity Director SMACKS DOWN Black Activists In Epic Letter)
Best Mandatory Diversity Training Focused On The Injustice Of Taco Costumes In Response To Poop Swastika Protests: University of Missouri
At the beginning of the spring 2016 semester at Mizzou, the administration decided to subject students to mandatory indoctrination sessions, called Diversity@Mizzou. Faculty members from departments including sociology and women’s and gender studies conducted the sessions. One presenter, Rebecca Martinez, showed audience members photos of people in Mexican-themed Halloween costumes including a taco costume. She then instructed that such garb is culturally offensive. “That’s not even a Mexican taco!” Martinez said, according to Campus Reform. “It has lettuce in it!” Martinez also warned that any non-Mexican person who uses makeup associated with the Mexican custom of Día de Muertos is engaging in cultural appropriation. However, Martinez also carefully instructed, students who make model alters resembling Día De Los Muertos altars for one of her class assignments are engaged in “cultural sharing.” That’s totally different and totally fine, she explained. (RELATED: New Mandatory Diversity Training For Students At Mizzou Focuses On Taco Costumes)
Best Attempt By To Vilify White People Mourning The Deaths Of 49 People At The Hands Of ISIS Terrorist: Mizzou Black Lives Matter Activists
In June, University of Missouri graduate student Tiffany Melecio chastised participants in a vigil to honor the Orlando nightclub shooting victims because, Melecio pontificated, they had not sufficiently supported the efforts of Black Lives Matter protesters on Mizzou’s campus. “I wish this many people came out to our racial demonstrations and our Black Lives Matter movement,” Melecio said in a later video. “As much as it is awesome that there’s so many people here today, but it’s, like, who are you really here for?” The vigil took place in front of Boone County Courthouse. (RELATED: Mizzou Vigil For Orlando Victims Hijacked By Race Activists)
Best Attempt By A Cable Channel Featuring Rodeo Events And College Football To Honor Mizzou’s Black Lives Matter Protests: ESPN
In June, cable sports network ESPN announced that it would give the University of Missouri football team a special humanitarian award for the team’s strike (really, a single cancelled practice). The sports network announced that the 2015 team would be collectively honored at its second annual Sports Humanitarian of the Year awards, held in tandem with the ESPY awards. During the July 12 show in Los Angeles, the team was given the Stuart Scott ENSPIRE award, named in honor of the ESPN anchor who died of cancer last year. The award “celebrates someone that has taken risk and used an innovative approach to helping the disadvantaged through the power of sports,” ESPN said in a statement. “Students were demanding action, and the Mizzou Tigers football team stepped in and announced that they would boycott their upcoming game unless changes were made.” (RELATED: ESPN To Give Mizzou Football Team Humanitarian Award For Black Lives Matter Strike)