DC Trawler

Is Climate Change Forcing Polar Bears To Hunt Humans?

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The “Russian bear” was a stereotype long before good ol’ Vlad Putin sauntered around shirtless outdoors, showing off his baloney boobs for the cameras. But what happens when Russians meet real bears? How do they get along with each other? Are they friends?

Ishaan Tharoor, WaPo:

A team of Russian weather experts claim that their station on an ice-covered Arctic isle is “besieged” by polar bears, according to a report by Russian news agency TASS.

The five researchers charged with staffing the outpost on Troynoy Island say that there are about 10 adult polar bears as well as cubs circling their base…

Yikes! That’s weird. Are these bears driven by their thirst for the refreshing taste of Coca-Cola? Everybody knows cute lil’ polar bears love Coca-Cola. That’s why this is happening, right? Or perhaps…

It’s not unusual for polar bears to approach human outposts in the Arctic, where waste is often difficult to dispose of and attracts carnivorous predators. The phenomenon may have intensified, though, due to climate change.

Melting sea ice and shifting patterns in the populations of the polar bears’ marine prey stoke the desperation of bears, which are being forced to travel farther for food.

Hmmm. Well, I won’t question this, because I don’t want to offend anybody’s religious beliefs. Sure, polar bears can swim for hundreds of miles, and sure, they’ve been known to hunt humans. But what does that have to do with anything? Clearly, this only happened because of global warming, I mean climate change.

Right now, as you’re reading this, you’re killing those poor people. The electricity you’re using is increasing your carbon footprint, which is stomping its carbony filth all over those poor innocent creatures, so that they have no choice but to find Russkies to eat.

Why are you killing the planet? Quick, stop reading this!

P.S. The researchers have been rescued. No word on those fluffy poley bears, though. Hope they’re okay. 🙁