Lena Dunham and her longtime boyfriend Jack Antonoff have broken up after more than half a decade of dating.
A close friend of the couple claims the split was “amicable,” but I’m not so sure about that one. Tweets don’t lie, and neither do time stamps. Just two short months ago, Lena caught Antonoff bashing her to his sister.
I thought jack was furtively planning a proposal to me with his sister and he just admitted I actually caught him “talking shit” about me!
— Lena Dunham (@lenadunham) November 2, 2017
Now I literally can’t sleep cuz I’m laughing too hard and I am also keeping him awake. 5.5 years, no rock and you know what? It’s real nice.
— Lena Dunham (@lenadunham) November 2, 2017
Also they were huddled and I heard him say “Lena” and “finger” so obviously it seemed like an engagement ring talk
— Lena Dunham (@lenadunham) November 2, 2017
Dunham is legitimately the only person I know of that seems to get a real kick out of being disliked. It’s pretty shocking that Dunham was even considering getting married, seeing as she’s almost thoroughly anti-establishment and has penned her misgivings about marriage at length, worrying that marriage was a “tool to oppress women and eliminate their freedom.”
But that didn’t stop her from loudly urging Antonoff to propose anyway.
So, as the world mourns the end of such a wonderful relationship, Lena should at least be comforted by the fact that there are plenty of fish in the sea. Maybe her dazed musician boyfriend didn’t work out, but Hollywood is riddled with men who would be happy to attend a few protests, cover up some damning allegations, and finish the night off with a thigh tat or two.
Here are just a few names of some eligible guys Lena could ring up:
-James Franco — he may be Lena Dunham’s soulmate, in fact. Just last week, he donned a “Time’s Up” pin to protest sexual harassment when he was allegedly a harasser himself. Sounds so strangely familiar.
-Chris Martin — also known as Gwyneth Paltrow’s ex. He’d be used to weird antics, which include but are not limited to, his girlfriend having zero grasp on reality, feigning interest in social justice movements, and using $950 toilet paper.
-Alec Baldwin — they could try to outdo each other with cringe-worthy political jokes. Also, this:
-Woody Allen – because they both apparently have a thing for their younger relatives.
-Charlie Sheen — on second thought, maybe not. It would be hard to tell them apart.
Best of luck to Lena as she ventures back into the single world.
