It Will Be Heartbreaking If ‘Red Sparrow’ Is As Bad As The Reviews Indicate

Red Sparrow (Credit: Screenshot/YouTube 20th Century Fox)

David Hookstead Sports And Entertainment Editor
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“Red Sparrow” will be released Friday across America, and the reviews aren’t looking good.

I’ve been so hyped for this movie. I even once claimed it could be the best movie of 2018. Jennifer Lawrence as a sexy Russian assassin is something I can get behind every single day of the week.

Well, it turns out that the reviews have not been kind. Specifically, the New York Post ripped “Red Sparrow” to shreds and gave it one star. The review read in part:

“Do you know how long it takes to peel the skin from a human body?” a torture-happy Russian goon asks in “Red Sparrow.” I imagine it feels about as long as sitting through this atrocious spy thriller, in which Jennifer Lawrence plays a prima ballerina who goes to whore school.

I’m not kidding. The film’s unquestionable high point is Lawrence’s character bellowing the accusing line in her Boris-and-Natasha accent: “You sent me to whore school!”

Please, in the name of everything that I love, let this review be an overreaction. I haven’t had to many wins in my life lately. The Badgers basketball team is struggling, my sports gambling is not going well, the girl I met at the bar didn’t text me back and my Detroit Lions still haven’t ever won a Super Bowl. I can’t afford to keep taking losses.

I have been looking forward to this movie for months. Do you have any idea how short my attention span is? Looking forward to something for a couple months is like your average person looking forward to something for 20 years.

Another shocking disappointment is something I’m just not sure I could stomach. It might be enough to break my writing career forever. My future literally might be hanging in the balance, and whether or not Lawrence can carry this film will determine what happens.

I guess I have no choice but to go see the movie. This is my burden to carry.

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