Ladies and gentlemen, we’re 90 days out from the start of college football and I have a major announcement for all of you.
After much deliberation, soul searching, meditation and a few cold beers along the way, I’ve decided to fly west to Las Vegas to celebrate the start of college football.
Trust me, this decision didn’t come easy. As a college football purist, I see the sport as the closest thing to heaven on Earth. It’s about freedom, beer, hot women and reminding the world we’re better than everybody else because we have this beautiful sport and they don’t.
That’s why I didn’t take this decision lightly, and I didn’t make it without any thought being put in. Usually, I start the college football season by watching every second of the action among friends at a house or a bar and enjoying the day.
I’ve done it for years, and it’s tended to work out pretty well. Here’s the problem. Last year, I did my usual routine and the Badgers went on to lose five games. Something has to change and it has to change in a big way. (RELATED: Will Jack Coan Or Graham Mertz
There’s nothing bigger than Las Vegas. After a bunch of top secret phone calls that’d rival the darkest corners of the CIA, plans were set in motion, which will unfold at the end of August. Given the large amount of enemies I’ve made during my rise to the top of the internet (there are too many to count), all the plans had to be laid out as if we were planning D-Day. God only knows what might happen if Alabama fans got advanced notice of my arrival.
I’ve been warned that a guy like me might not survive Vegas. I just have too much freedom in my veins and that’s apparently a risk for Sin City. No limits, no restrictions and no oversight might scare you, but I’d rather go out on my feet celebrating football than never risk it at all.
If going to Vegas doesn’t get the dirty taste of the 2018 season out of my mouth as I watch the Badgers open against USF with three months worth of paychecks on the line, then I really don’t know what will work.
I know that many of you are probably worried about whether or not I’ll ever make it back. Calm your fears. I have too many mouths to feed and too many people depending on me to let you all down.
Don’t worry about me. Worry about all the beers that are about to meet a man they didn’t know could ever even possibly walk this planet.
Will this guarantee us a national title? I don’t know, but nobody got anywhere by playing things safe.
Prepare for three days of debauchery that will be the first step towards a massive campaign for Wisconsin in 2019. Most men wouldn’t have the guts to pull off such an epic move week one, but I’m not most men.
I’m David Hookstead, and I will do whatever is necessary to raise a banner. You best believe that, and I hope you’re all ready to take this ride with me.