HART: Kung Flu Virus Will Blow Over

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Ron Hart Contributor
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Not being a scientist, and maybe because of that, makes me believe this Coronavirus will pass, like all others. I know it’s a fool’s game to say a virus like this will not be a big deal, but I am boldly making that call. If I am wrong, we will all be dead and it really won’t matter, now will it?

We have been conditioned to be scared by the media and actors who play in fearful virus movies like Outbreak, Contagion, Flu, Quarantine, etc. In those Hollywood movies Morgan Freeman, Kevin Spacey, Rene Russo, Jude Law, Gwyneth Paltrow and Dustin Hoffman all played brilliant scientists who kept viruses from killing the world. Interestingly enough, there is only one year of college among all of those performers. You’d think at least Dustin Hoffman would have gone to college; he was The Graduate.

I am not worried about this latest “pandemic.” We have survived Bird Flu, Ebola, SARS, West Nile and countless boy bands; we will survive Corona. The Bird Flu happened on George Bush’s watch; he took immediate action and invaded the Canary Islands.

The number of deaths in China so far is reported to be only 1,900 out of a population of 1.4 billion. The number of cases is 68,500, with 9,000 patients supposedly cured and sent home. This comes from the Chinese Communist Party, which is about as accurate as CNN but with less of a leftist agenda. It is harder to get honest numbers out of either of those communist organizations than it is to get a Chik-fil-A sandwich on a Sunday, which is frightening to most folks.

They believe the virus is animal-based, from a market in the quaint Chinese village of Wuhan, population 11 million.  Some think the virus came from snakes, so use a condom if you have sex with a snake there. Snakes passing diseases in Wuhan, China? And I thought the plaintiff’s attorney’s convention was in Orlando this year?

I believe this virus will not last a long time because it was made in China. We also have to allow time for American capitalists to discover a cure and enough time for China to steal it from us. We may want to just give them this one. In America we discover miracle drugs that allow our citizens to live just long enough to pay off their student loan debts and medical bills.

Even assuming they are lying, and they are, there has not been a single case in the South, which is all I really care about. My only fear is that the Coronavirus is only in California, Chicago and Nebraska, where the symptoms of the virus, listlessness, slow brain function and lethargy, can go undetected for years.

I asked a hometown buddy if he was worried about the Coronavirus. He said, “Ron, I do not see it as a problem here.  We only drink Bud Light.”  I guess not drinking Corona also keeps you from contracting Lime Disease. If they keep people from buying Corona there, they will resort to what we had to do in high school: get our older brother to buy it for us.

Tastes change. When I was in school, all we wanted was Coors Light because you could not get it east of the Mississippi. Now Coors is viewed as a weak beer. Corona is the official beer of Cinco De Mayo and Coors Light is now the official beer of child custody hearings.

Back to the virus. Chinese citizens who took and posted cell phone videos of people with the Corona virus have been arrested. The notion that a central command-and-control government handles epidemics better is another fallacy. The person who pointed this out was dealt with harshly by the government. It was akin to being a Trump 2016 campaign official.

My daughter is at Columbia University, where the students got an email admonishing them to be nice to Asian students during this Coronavirus scare. If the left has its way, over time no vaccine or drug developed by a white male will be allowed to be used in the U.S.

Let me end with a health warning. If you have been exposed you will be quarantined for 14 days. So far one person in the U.S. contracted it from his spouse, who was in Wuhan. The signs of Coronavirus in men are stomach sickness, faintness, heavy breathing and sweating. Doctors say it’s the same feeling men get when they first see their girlfriends rifling through their cell phones.

A libertarian op-ed humorist and award-winning author, Ron’s a frequent guest on CNN. He can be contacted at Ron@RonaldHart.com or @RonaldHart on Twitter.