Gathering insights from folks I respect (professors, clergy, bookies and fry cooks), here is what I think we have learned during this COVID-19 pandemic:
1. No matter how many days she is on TV, Dr. Deborah Birx never runs out of scarves. If this goes on much longer, she will have to dip into the government’s strategic reserves of scarves, if it was not pilfered by Hillary Clinton. Over the weekend, Dr. Birx did wear her scarf on her shoulder. It was her whimsical way of saying it is the weekend, we are near “bending the curve,” and she’s ready to get her freak on. A good sign.
2. Full-time nerd and eighth grade hall monitor Rep. Adam Schiff has promised another investigation when this is over. I really hope he looks into how Dr. Birx can afford all those scarves on a government salary.
3. Trump welcomes another Democrat investigation; he is starting to enjoy them. Since Schiff holds his secret “witness interviews” in his tiny underground Sensitive Compartmented Information Facility (SCIF), Trump has encouraged him to start now.
4. My favorite part of Trump sparring with the press during his daily briefings was when they found out he did not have the coronavirus. Microphones picked up the chorus of cussing and moans in the room.
5. If you do not have Purell, alcohol can help you clean. But I have found that I do not get much done after that second bottle.
6. I enjoyed online Palm Sunday church services. I think it celebrated the time Jesus took his disciples to The Palm Steakhouse, but I am not sure. My Internet connection was not good. I did like the offering part when I handed money to myself.
7. We are all starting to understand that “experts” do not know as much as they’d like us to think. So far this year, they are about as helpful as a 2020 Day-Planner. Their suggestions have changed just in these few weeks. First, they said to not wear masks. Now they say do wear gloves and a face mask when you go out. I always felt the Phantom of the Opera guy and Michael Jackson knew something we didn’t.
8. What I have said is that good could come out of this. Americans will learn to value capitalism and the goods and services we have come to expect when it is allowed to operate freely. Corporations have stepped up when the government cannot. Americans are sitting at home with no TP, eating bad food and waiting for a check. We will probably not want to renew our 30-day free socialism trial.
9. During this period, researchers at Trump University have determined that the average male is 54% more likely to pick up a FaceTime call and 75% more likely to contribute on a group text.
10. My favorite time of the week is the night before I take out the garbage and I get to pick out my outfit.
11. They say this is a war and we must do our part. Most days I just get up, put on the same T-shirt as the day before and sit around the house. Like most, that is my war effort.
12. I asked a buddy how he and his wife are doing home schooling. He said “Pretty well. Two students suspended for fighting and one teacher fired for drinking on the job.” On the bright side, student sex with teachers is down 25% in Florida. But it’s up 42% in Kentucky.
13. If we do not have SEC football this year, the South might start another civil war. Trump needs to avoid seeing a play at a theater. I like that Australia is contemplating putting its rugby players on an island resort. No COVID-19 in 14 days? Let them play. We should at least do that in the U.S.; watching the “Tiger King” again will not be enough. The SEC and NFL could play their games without fans. It is the WNBA model, and it has worked for a lot longer than folks imagined.
14. If this attempt at humor to make these tough times more tolerable offends your delicate sense of decorum and anguish, I am sorry. If it does not, keep in mind that a diminished sense of taste is the first sign of COVID-19.
A libertarian op-ed humorist and award-winning author, Ron’s a frequent guest on TV and radio. He can be contacted at Ron@RonaldHart.com or @RonaldHart on Twitter.
