As American lemmings dutifully isolate themselves, only to hear the latest and ever-changing government theories on COVID-19 mitigation, another Asian menace presents itself in the form of the rumored failing health of the “beloved leader” of North Korea, Kim Jong Un. What could happen in North Korea if the “devil we know” dies is troubling.
By way of background, “Lil’-Kim” Jong Un, age 36, inherited his evil dictating business from his dad. Before he died in 2011, Kim Jong-il bequeathed the job to his Jong-Un, his youngest son, passing over older brothers Kim Jong Tito and Kim Jong Jermaine. Speculation is that things have not improved for the brothers. If Un dies, the business goes to his sister, Kim Jong LaToya.
Kim Jong Un was a relative newcomer to evil dictating. He has a Super Cuts-gone-wrong haircut from the k.d. lang Collection. He is fat; maybe that is what endears him to the twenty-five million starving North Koreans and has him near death. He wears pantsuits from the Hillary Clinton Collection to disguise his girth.
Murderous and Machiavellian, this family has thwarted challengers to their power for decades. They are all ruthless and have killed more uncles than cigarettes.
The elder Kim (Il) was buried with his sunglasses on and an ample supply of his beloved Viagra. I hear it was an open casket; so many years of Viagra use rendered the casket unclosable. Then-Vice President Joe Biden attended the funeral and, upon seeing Kim Jong-il lying in state with his oversized sunglasses facing skyward, gave him $500 million of taxpayer solar-power money.
The current supreme leader, Kim Jong Un, has not been seen in weeks. He missed a party for his grandfather Kim Il-sung. (Kids who inherit family businesses never miss a chance to suck up at one of those events) Speculation abounds as to whether he is alive. Rumors range from COVID-19 illness to a botched surgery. The latter could not have happened, the western liberal media surmises, because North Korea has long had socialized medicine – which, as they tell us, is great.
We might never know if Lil’ Kim died, as you never get the truth from the North Korean state-run media, MS-DMZ. They will not even say that “great leader” Kim Il-sung is dead, just that he entered a sleeping contest and, as always, is winning bigly.
Thanks to the fine diplomacy of Dennis Rodman during the Obama administration and Trump’s work to de-escalate tension with North Korea last year, for the most part Kim Jong Un has been passive. Trump visited Kim Jong Un two times during two years of his presidency, which is more times than he visited his daughter, Tiffany.
North Korea was supposedly close to having a nuclear missile capable of reaching California. When the Kardashian girls heard the news, they got excited: Finally, an Asian restaurant that delivers during the pandemic lockdown! Personally, I am not worried about North Korea’s missile capability until a missile can reach one of our good red states — like one that has an SEC football team.
Lil’ Kim does have some hydrogen and nuclear bomb technology. North Korean scientists accidentally discovered hydrogen bomb technology when they were trying to develop a way for Kim Jong Un to take a bubble bath while still wearing his military medals.
We know North Korea is lying about getting rid of its nukes. North Korea and Iran are getting rid of their nukes in the same way Pelosi and the Democrats are helping Trump with the COVID-19 crisis. And there are other concerns for the world; Pentagon officials fear that North Korea might be just four years away from developing a boy band.
So what happens when North Korea gets a new leader? We do not want chaos, which would involve North Koreans, starving and desperate from years of communist rule, fleeing over the borders. The reasoned tone Trump has taken with the hermit kingdom is it needs Western development to make the peninsula more business friendly. That lifts folks out of poverty, not bombing and invading a country. We tried that in Vietnam. It is much easier now when we buy clothing from them.
On the bright side, if Kim Jong Un dies, I have it on good authority that he will leave all his pantsuits to Hillary Clinton in a gesture of international goodwill.
A libertarian op-ed humorist and award-winning author, Ron’s a frequent guest on TV and radio. He can be contacted at Ron@RonaldHart.com or @RonaldHart on Twitter