Dear Kay: My brother absolutely loves your column, so I decided to write to you on his behalf for his Christmas gift, as he’s refused to speak to me for months.
He’s been in a very toxic relationship for just over a year. The girl he’s dating is verbally and physically abusive. She dumped him before his birthday so she didn’t have to get him a gift or celebrate him, and she’s clearly sleeping around until she can find the perfect Instagram husband.
For some reason, he is obsessed with her and can’t seem to let her go. I’m so worried for his mental health, and I want the relationship over and done with before the end of the year. Can you help me? — Brotherly Love
Dear Brotherly Love,
Abusive relationships are almost impossible to see when you’re in them. It’s only once you’re out of it and through the therapy that you can look back and go, “Wow, what a fool I was to let such a monster try to destroy my life,” even though we’re not fools for being survivors of this stuff at all. Trust me, I speak from experience.
Here’s what I’ve learned from my own lived experience and from working with experts who rescue and recover victims of abuse. Unfortunately, this letter might be meant more for you than for your brother.
There is no way you can convince him to do anything until he’s ready. He has to come to terms with his situation in his own time, and make the changes for himself. The most important thing is that you are there for him when he’s ready, which leads me to my next point…
@KaySmythe: “Have you considered getting your sister a super passive-aggressive Christmas gift, like eight therapy sessions to get over her obvious mental issues” https://t.co/SdBq3soQBx
— Daily Caller (@DailyCaller) December 21, 2022
Do not let this awful woman destroy your relationship with your brother forever. I know your brother has refused to speak to you in months because of your stance on his relationship, but you cannot hold his decision to stay with this woman against him indefinitely.
Send him this letter to let him know that, no matter what, you’ll always be here and ready for him to come home, and you’ll always love him unconditionally. Sometimes people in abusive relationships start to assume all of their relationships are the same, and that they’ll never be treated how they know they should be. It’s common for folks to regress into this mindset, so all you can do is prove his mindset wrong when the time is right.
Be there with open arms. I know he’s probably hurt you, too, but he’s hurt himself way more in this relationship. Draw a line under the bad stuff, forgive, forget and move on as soon as he comes back to you.
Therapy is not only helpful, but essential. Most people go through a minimum of two abusive relationships before they break the cycle. Depending on the extent of the abuse, there may also be underlying post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).
The neural pathways built during abusive relationships can feel like blocks of concrete in your skull. Even after intense EMDR (eye movement desensitization and reprocessing), cognitive behavioral therapy and more than my fair share of psilocybin, I still have flashbacks sometimes. They get fewer and farther between the more you work to reset your neural pathways, so make sure your brother gets the practical help he needs as soon as he leaves this awful woman. We don’t want another one filling her place.
As his brother, you are not alone. From your longer letter, I know that his friends, colleagues and even strangers are more than aware of the fact that there is something deeply wrong in your brother’s life. It’s beautiful to read about how much they all love him and miss the man he used to be before this horrendous woman started destroying his soul. Perhaps it’s time for all of you to remind him again?
Sending a message on Christmas, or even on Christmas Eve, can mean more than most of us might realize. Sometimes all people need is to know they are not alone, and that an entire army of people loves them unconditionally. (RELATED: Dear Kay: What Happened To Real Men? Are There Any Left?)
Your brother is incredibly lucky to have you and so many others who love him to help him through this part of his trauma once he’s ready to face it. He’s already proven he’s strong enough to withstand this kind of abuse, so he is more than strong enough to get through it. He’s a warrior, but he just doesn’t believe in himself right now.
While this column won’t guarantee you any results, I hope your brother at least knows he’s got a heck of a lot in common with the author. I hope I get to meet you both one day, and that your Christmas wish comes true.