Satire

Four Buried BOMBSHELLS From The 700-Page Hunter Biden Document Dump

OPINION
US-POLITICS-BIDEN

(Photo by NICHOLAS KAMM/AFP via Getty Images)

Scoops Delacroix Freelance Writer
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Hunter Biden Sank The USS Maine

Bank statements suggest that Hunter Biden made cash withdrawals from multiple Havana ATMs on Feb. 14, 1898, just one day before the U.S.S. Maine exploded in the city’s harbor. Geolocation data included in the recently released documents suggest that he visited a local mining supply store that same day. In response to an inquiry from the Daily Caller, the store’s proprietor said he could not positively identify Hunter due to being both legally blind from birth and dead since 1921.

A few hours before the explosion Hunter texted an Uzbekistani business associate a selfie showing him staring at the camera barechested while a prostitute applied clamps to his nipples. “Check out Hav harbpr. Fireworjs 2nite,” Hunter captioned the photo.

A partially redacted report from federal investigators concluded that the explosive device that destroyed the ship bore the marks of having been assembled by a former U.S. Navy officer who spent just a few months in the service before being discharged for freebasing cocaine. The U.S. government blamed Spain for the attack and declared war two months later. (RELATED: White House Hand-Waves Away Revelation That Chinese Money Was Sent To Biden’s Address)

In the months before the explosion, emails and SEC records show that Hunter arranged for multiple associates to short a series of Spanish sugar companies that did business in Cuba. The messages stipulate that 60 percent of the profits would kick back to Hunter and also include cryptic references to “10 percent for the Big Guy.”

Hunter Biden Tried To Sell WMDs To Saddam

Emails show that Hunter Biden worked as a middleman between North Korean Supreme Leader Kim Jong Un and Iraqi President Saddam Hussein in 2002 as they attempted to negotiate the sale of nuclear warheads to the Middle Eastern country. According to Hunter’s credit card statements, he treated the two dictators to a 36-hour bender at prestigious Miami strip club E11EVEN, where they spent $25,000 on bottle service, $1.6 million on lap dances (including tips) and $300,000 to cover damage to mirrors and sound equipment.

The three created a group chat in the following days, which contains numerous cryptic references to a game of “Devil’s Triangle,” in which the parties had apparently engaged.

Despite the warm relations on display in the WhatsApp messages, the Iraqi dictator appears to have walked away from the deal after discovering that all three of his wives had sent naked selfies to Hunter. In an email to Hunter, Saddam revealed that he was too embarrassed to disclose his cuckolding to the United Nations and allowed the UN to believe the deal had gone through. This deception appears to have prompted then-U.S. President George W. Bush to launch an invasion of Iraq in March 2003.

Text messages show that the future first son spent the next several months trying to find another buyer. Hunter later fell out with Kim after sending him a picture of his penis intended for the dictator’s sister, Kim Yo Jong.

Hunter Biden Was Patient Zero For COVID-19

On Aug. 17, 2020, Hunter Biden used his Mastercard Black Card to purchase a pangolin kabab at the Wuhan wet market, newly released documents show. That has nothing to do with COVID; it just seems like a strange thing to eat. After taking 17 phone camera pictures of himself enjoying this snack with a nice bowl of crack cocaine, Hunter then proceeded to the Wuhan Institute of Virology (WIV), where he badged into the facility at 4:23 p.m. local time, according to records.

A transcript of surveillance footage included in Wednesday’s document dump recounts the heated argument that immediately ensued between Hunter and an unknown scientist at the WIV.

HUNTER: C’mon man, I’m fiending. Just one hit to get me straight, bro. That’s it.

SCIENTIST: Sir, you really shouldn’t smoke this. It’s a highly experimental bioweapon, and it’s important that we…

HUNTER: So you’re saying this is the good shit?

SCIENTIST: Mr. Biden, we appreciate your support of our work here, but if this virus breaks containment, a million people could die.

HUNTER: A million PUSSIES, maybe. You know how high my tolerance is? I did a line of anthrax yesterday. Didn’t even get me buzzed.

A note appended to the transcript explains that Biden then attempted to “butt-chug” a vial of concentrated SARS-CoV-2 as WIV staff looked on in horror.

Hunter Biden Has The Ark Of The Covenant In A Delaware Storage Unit

In the tenth century B.C., Pharaoh Shoshenq I — called “Shishak” in the Hebrew Bible — raided the city of Jerusalem and carried away the treasures of the temple. Historians have long assumed that his plunder included the Ark of the Covenant and that the precious, gold-covered box which carries that presence of God Himself is lost somewhere under the Egyptian sands.

Newly released documents have set the record straight. The trove of records includes emails that Hunter Biden exchanged with King Rehoboam of Judah, dating back to his assumption of the throne after the death of his father Solomon. A series of messages dating to the month of Nisan in 931 B.C. show Hunter urging Rehoboam to disregard the advice of his father’s councilors and take a hard line in negotiations with the northern Israelite tribes. Although this policy led directly to the breakup of the United Kingdom of Israel, Rehoboam kept Hunter on as an advisor at a salary of 10 talents of gold per month, insisting in WhatsApp messages to other officials that the expense was worth it to maintain his ties to “the Brand.” (RELATED: FACT CHECK: White House Spokesman Claims Hunter Biden Lived With His Father In 2019)

As Shishak’s armies approached Judah’s capital, Hunter approached Rehoboam with a proposal, according to meeting minutes included in the tranche of documents. Hunter offered to temporarily purchase the ark from the king for one shekel and transfer ownership of it to a shell corporation he’d set up with the cannibals inhabiting the Cayman Islands at the time. Rehoboam agreed, but later sued Hunter in Egyptian federal court in an attempt to recover the ark. Court documents suggest that the lawsuit dragged on through the end of Rehoboam’s reign and that his successor, Abijah, settled out of court for an undisclosed sum.

In 930 B.C., Hunter signed a 3,000-year lease for a storage unit in the unceded territory of the Unami Lenape (known today as Delaware), suggesting he may be stashing the ark there. He likely chose the area due to its lax attitude toward business document management, which most experts attribute to the natives’ lack of a written language.