A 52-year-old marathon runner known as Uncle Chen was disqualified from the Xiamen marathon in China for chainsmoking cigarettes throughout the race, according to the Toronto Sun.
Uncle Chen, who finished the marathon in an astonishing three hours and 33 minutes, was punished by communist China for nothing less than athletic excellence. What an absolute travesty it is to punish such a triumph of the human spirit as this was.
I would like to, on behalf of all Americans, formally invite this spectacular specimen of an athlete to the United States to teach us his ways.
Do people not realize how good a 3:33 marathon time is, even for someone who has never smoked a cigarette in their entire life? Let alone for a dude who is actively ripping heaters while powering through a pace like that.
And then add the fact that he’s 52 years old? The average New York City Marathon finish time is around four-and-a-half hours. Three-and-a-half is impressive for a 25-year-old clean-living Mormon, let alone a chain smoking Gen Xer.
Chinese authorities had apparently long been miffed at Uncle Chen, whose real name is Chen Bangxian (sick name by the way,) after he previously completed multiple marathons with a cigarette hanging from his mouth at the finish line.
The Xiamen Marathon committee finally cracked down on his unique performance enhancement this year, citing a new regulation which declared that “[u]ncivilized behavior from runners such as open defecation, smoking, or trampling on flower beds or green spaces that affect the race and the safety of other runners will result in disqualification,” according to the Sun. (RELATED: Socialist Club Invites Everyone To The Most Nightmarish Speed Dating Event Imaginable)
So, add ripping darts on a leisurely 26-mile run down the mean streets of Xiamen to the list freedoms that communism wants to take away. Would I recommend cigarettes to an aspiring athlete? No. But I also don’t believe an outright ban is the solution. You have a problem with Chen’s methods? Beat him. Oh there’s smoke in your face? Run faster, you slacker.
Some of the greatest athletes of our generation couldn’t help but light up a butt to take the edge off. (RELATED: Lebanese Soccer Star’s Insane Flying Face Kick Somehow Doesn’t Get A Red Card)
The great golfer John Daly is synonymous with a good time. Of course he’s gonna enjoy the occasional dart on the back nine.
SYDNEY, AUSTRALIA – DECEMBER 02: John Daly of the United States smokes on the 14th hole during day one of the Australian Open at The Lakes Golf Club on December 2, 2010 in Sydney, Australia. Mark Nolan/Getty Images
Then there’s the iconic photo of Kansas City Chiefs quarterback Len Dawson ripping a heater at halftime of the first ever Super Bowl.
Len Dawson smokes a cigarette & drinks a Fresca at halftime of Super Bowl I (Credit: Billy Ray/TIME) pic.twitter.com/POLvcBHAgr
— Darren Rovell (@darrenrovell) February 8, 2016
And here’s my personal favorite, a picture of baseball’s 1978 NL MVP Dave Parker smoking a cigarette on his actual official baseball card. A relic of a bygone era to be sure.
1978 NL MVP Dave Parker Ripping Darts
byu/jerryr99 inbaseball
The point is, in America we don’t stifle greatness, we cultivate it. If a man wants to do 1,000 pushups after downing a fifth of tequila, not only do we not stop him but we will pull up a chair and actively cheer him on.
Greatness, in this country, is not defined by what you can’t do. It’s defined by just how many people you can prove wrong. No matter what happens, I hope Uncle Chen continues proving the Commies wrong.