Socialist Club Invites Everyone To The Most Nightmarish Speed Dating Event Imaginable

Spencer Platt/Getty Images

Robert McGreevy Contributor
Font Size:

The New York City chapter of the Democratic Socialists of America just announced an upcoming socialist speed dating event, and I think I just found a new way to torture America’s enemies.

The event’s website tells us not to “rely on dating apps created by capitalist corporations to help you find love this February,” instead imploring we “go to your friendly neighborhood leftists!

Can you imagine how bad that room would smell? It’s also probably a fire hazard with all the brittle, kindling-like unwashed armpit hair amassing under the female leftists’ arms.

Also, how does speed dating work as a leftist? If you get five minutes with someone you’re spending at least half that time acknowledging the various indigenous tribes who once owned the land you’re standing on and apologizing for your whiteness. (RELATED: Hakeem Jeffries’ Office Rips Socialist Group For Using ‘Racially Inflammatory’ Picture Of Watermelon In Protest Fliers)

Point of privilege! This gender fluid nonbinary helicopter-identifying xirshe in front of me is wearing a NON-organic, not free trade, unsustainably sourced cotton-blend sweater and that’s a microaggression to me because it triggers my deep-seated fear of being accused of racism.” Yep, sounds like a blast.

I might actually attend just for comedy purposes if it weren’t for the fact that they “strongly encourage masking.” Doesn’t that kind of eliminate the entire purpose of meeting someone in person? What if they’re ugly from the nose down? I guess you could just mask for life.

The event has sold out of all early-release tickets and is now only selling same-day tickets for a whopping $50 a pop. That’s odd, shouldn’t a socialist event be free? How dare you sully your beautiful uncalloused leftist hands with the preferred currency of capitalist scum.

That’s mighty hypocritical of these so-called socialists. Put your (lack of) money where your mouths are and open the event up to the unhoused you cowards.