America has spoken.
As this country teeters on the brink, as bottoms running the government film gay sex in our hallowed institutions, as Doritos, the cheesy staple of the American party, is forced to fire their child-diddling trans-fluencer, Americans are craving normalcy. Ice-cold beer on a Friday night with some Toby Keith playing on the stereo (RIP). Golden retrievers named Buster. A blonde bird named Sydney Sweeney.
Sydney Sweeney is going viral after being one of the top watched SNL episodes.
I wonder why? pic.twitter.com/upz12E7kDr
— TaraBull (@TaraBull808) March 4, 2024
Yes, Americans want to look at and discuss the immensely talented bombshell coming off the heels of her first SNL appearance. Do they care about the substance of her performance, her monologue, the jokes, how it will affect her career? Of course not. It doesn’t matter. What matters is that a video of Sydney Sweeney in a Hooters uniform now exists on the internet. (RELATED: Sorry Haters: Hot Women Playing Sports Is Pure America)
[For a more intellectual on Sydney Sweeney’s SNL appearance, read Gage Klipper’s piece, SNL Accidentally Proves Conservatives Right About Everything]
Americans also want to discuss kickass cinema like “Dune: Part Two,” which a trusted source tells Scoops is electric. They want to go to a theater, sit back in a big leather recliner, and plow through a large bucket of popcorn with extra butter while watching space people blow shit up in an epic war. Then they want to dish out their takes on social media afterward, how it surpassed the first movie, and, if they’re nerds, how it lived up to the book.
What Americans don’t want to discuss in 2024, it seems, is the pro-Palestine activist who cooked himself like a medium-well filet on the streets of D.C. And this columnist doesn’t blame them.
[For a more intellectual take on Sydney Sweeney’s SNL appearance, read Gage Klipper’s piece, SNL Accidentally Proves Conservatives Right About Everything]
It wasn’t too long ago — maybe a week? — that the media, both liberal and conservative, were obsessing over the 25-year-old U.S. airman Aaron Bushnell who doused himself in a flammable liquid and sparked up like a Buddhist monk to protest Israel’s war in Gaza. What were his politics, and did he post about it before? Was he mentally ill? How was he able to join the U.S. military? All of Twitter was self-immolating with scorching hot takes, both ways.
To give him credit where credit is due, he displayed quite literally a ton of skin in the game, so much so that it cost him his life. But, sorry, Americans don’t want to talk about “heavy shit.”
At the end of the day, America knows herself. The nightmarish, apocalyptic image of a man on fire is no match for heavenly clips of Sweeney’s cannons. ‘Murica will take the latter, any day of the week.
So give us good movies, and let us douse liquid butter on our corn, not ourselves. Give us liberty and double-d’s, not death!
[For a more intellectual take on Sydney Sweeney’s SNL appearance, read Gage Klipper’s piece, SNL Accidentally Proves Conservatives Right About Everything]