Who do you think of when you think of an epic beard?
Among the most powerful and suave beards in history, Ernest Hemingway comes to mind. He wouldn’t have been able to save masculinity in the 20th century without it.
But we have some notable runner-ups. Could Abraham Lincoln have freed the slaves and saved the Union without his bushy, black beard? Alright, the top hat was arguably more important. Epic beards gave Dumbledore and Gandalf the power to vanquish darkness in their worlds. A baby-faced da Vinci would have blushed too much to draw the Vitruvian Man, while Zeus would have never been able to harness the power of lightning. Even Karl Marx would not have been able to launch the most bloodthirsty revolution in world history without the wily beard of an utter mad man.
So when former Daily Caller contributor Chris Bertman pointed out what Trump would like with a beard, I did my best not to shout like Gerald Butler in “300.”
If Trump grows a beard, it’s game over for the libs pic.twitter.com/RIM56iP4uQ
— Chris Bertman (@manofbert) May 28, 2024
A bearded Trump is what haunts the Democrats’ nightmares. He stalks them, facial hair meticulously coiffed, salt and peppered to perfection. Like Thanos, he can snap his fingers and destroy them at his whim. He is in control — knows it and they know it.
A bearded Trump will enter office and fire every single woke bureaucrat; they will beg for his forgiveness. The Deep State will fall in line, and start targeting the real domestic enemies like Antifa and child-mutilating public school teachers. China will submit unequivocally; we will build military bases throughout the country and set up a provisional government in Beijing with a newly-freed Peter Navarro at the head.
Hell, a bearded Trump might even stick around for a third term… by popular demand, of course.
