Throughout the Democratic National Convention, Democrats made a big show out of being “normal,” of standing for “freedom” and traditional, patriotic values. They did their best, but of course it is all a lie; there’s nothing normal about them.
Allow me to guide you through the Democrats’ wondrous world of human freaks and oddities. But first, we must get inside!
Careful, this is a dangerous path. Stay alert as we wade through the crowds of unwashed protesters — rabid, the lot of them.
Feast your eyes on a veritable buffet of causes. Do you want to see the destruction of Israel? Care to donate to Hamas? Perhaps trans rights are more your speed. Or, think bigger: the true idealists here want global intifada or worldwide communist revolution. Purple hair here; blue hair there; is that a man or a woman?
“Excuse me sir, would you like an American flag to burn?”
Under Kamala’s America, You Can Burn The American Flag. 🔥🇺🇸 pic.twitter.com/9RgDsv5DE7
— Joe Zykan (@JoeZykan) August 21, 2024
Over there, you’ll see Planned Parenthood’s free spay and neuter clinic. Excuse me, I mean free abortion and vasectomy “health” unit. Because nothing says “family values” like a mobile clinic for life’s little oopsie-daisies.
“Step right up, folks, get your reproductive rights sorted while you finger paint a Hamas flag!”
Why is “joy” the Democrats’ new word??
Planned Parenthood’s mobile abortion clinic has KILLED up to 25 babies, if not more, at the Democrat Convention.
This is pure evil, not joy. pic.twitter.com/VE8hoi1fYB
— Ryann McEnany (@RyannMcEnany) August 22, 2024
And what’s this? A girl holding a sign with the N-word boldly emblazoned. Is this a vicious “white supremacist?” Who’s to say. She may be an over-zealous theater kid striving for an A+ in Performance Art. Or, like the rest of her fellow travelers, perhaps it’s all a desperate plea for attention.
A white supremacist in a ridiculous outfit was spotted at the March on the DNC in Chicago. pic.twitter.com/GaMUNHQOBP
— HumanoidXMTR 🏴 (@humanoidxmtr) August 19, 2024
Now, let’s venture inside where the real circus begins.
It appears we’re too late to see our Dear Leader. Joe Biden might be the President, but that still didn’t secure him a prime time spot. No, the shadowy figures behind the curtains could not allow that. Biden went on some time ago, in the wee hours of the night. Some say you can still hear his voice trailing off if you listen very closely…
Up next, we see the King and Queen of the Democratic Party — although who’s to say which title belongs to whom. The Obamas have reigned supreme for over a decade, yet still they bristle with resentment. What’s that Michelle? You say you’ll “never benefit” from “generational wealth.” Perhaps you should have skipped the $3,000 pantsuit for this speech.
It doesn’t get better than this.
“She understands that most of us will never be afforded the grace of failing forward. We will never benefit from the affirmative action of generational wealth.” – @MichelleObama
— Dave Cavell (@DavidFCavell) August 21, 2024
Here, take this prophylactic before we head into the next exhibit. You can never be too careful around these ladies.
Take a look at the Hotties for Harris. Here you’ll find everything you need to slut it up at the DNC: Plan B from a gumball machine, pregnancy tests and UTI treatments. There’s even a bad bitch boxing corner. And if it wasn’t all Mean Girl enough, there’s a wall of hotties and a wall of notties. All we need now is a Burn Book.
“Hotties for Harris” at the DNC featuring Plan B, pregnancy tests, a wall of weirdos, and a wall of hotties.
But “Republicans are weird” pic.twitter.com/LZUInWZwRQ
— Libs of TikTok (@libsoftiktok) August 22, 2024
Who’s that stomping onto stage? Here comes Tim Walz, the gesticulating governor from Minnesota. A wave here, a raised fist there, watch as he directs an invisible orchestra with a stride in his step. Is he really such a dorky dad, or is he a beady-eyed communist in disguise? You have to respect his acting chops.
And it looks like he passed down the acting genes. “I love you dad,” cries Little Timmy from the balcony. Watch him stand and cheer, waving almost as madly as the old man. Like father, like son; but how many times did he rehearse this in front of the mirror?
Tim Walz’s full DNC speech. “When we fight, we win!” pic.twitter.com/VFwiM8eBaR
— Blue Georgia (@BlueATLGeorgia) August 22, 2024
To be fair, Don Jr would probably react the same way if his dad said “I love you” to him
— Mike Norton (@NortonMpls) August 22, 2024
Speaking of the kiddos, take a look at Kamala Harris’ beloved step daughter. She crawled out of the sewers of Bushwick just to show her support. Her tapestry of tattoos tells the story of her life, but her camo Harris-Walz hat is the real statement piece. What’s this quirky girl doing wearing hunting gear? Irony — it’s all the rage these days. She’s wearing it because she thinks it’s ugly, and she wants you to know what she thinks of the people who earnestly share her tastes.
Ella Emhoff being a part of the first family has the potential to radicalize American parents. I’m for women living the lives they want, but this is pretty much the nightmare scenario for most people with a daughter. pic.twitter.com/Khjd1vPPFR
— Richard Hanania (@RichardHanania) August 20, 2024
Alas, we approach the end of our pageant of peculiarities. But don’t worry, you can still leave with a souvenir. You record a Tik Tok dance for posterity. If Gen-Z goes somewhere and doesn’t do a TikTok dance, did they ever really leave the house?
@thepiercetwins Hitting our dance on the floor of the DNC dc: us!!! #dance #twins #DNC #thepiercetwins #fyp #fypage #fypシ゚viral #viral #guess ♬ Guess featuring Billie Eilish – Charli xcx & Billie Eilish
Democrats talk a good talk, but they can’t walk the walk. No matter what they do, the weirdness shines through. Sadly, our tour of the DNC has come to an end. But don’t fret. If our screwball heroes prevail in November, you’ll get another four years of the freak show.
