Dotty Harry shoots own foot, Obama’s favorite bill — With Kennedy Family gone, District bars anticipate having all this extra liquor around — Charlie Crist doubles efforts to prove Marco Rubio’s real identity — Thanks to sly pervert, detained missionaries stay detained — Climategate panelist resigns amid allegations of bias — New Jersey granola types freak over possible transit fare hike
1.) Reid hoists up britches, rejects Obama-approved bill — Sen. Majority Leader Harry Reid ditched a bipartisan, $85 billion jobs bill on Thursday without communicating with the White House, reports The Daily Caller’s Jon Ward. “A Reid spokesman said the mixed signals were not the result of any disagreement between the leader and the White House. The White House did not reply when asked if they supported Reid’s change.” In an O. Henry-esque twist, the bill Reid proposed as a replacement costs $70 billion less than the president’s preferred bill, but much to the irritation of Republicans, doesn’t renew tax breaks for businesses. The White House was unavailable for comment yesterday, and will probably deal with this whole thing when Congress gets back from vacay.
2.) Kennedy clan relinquishes death-grip on D.C. — After six decades of back-room deals, unrestrained hedonism, pious posturing, gag-inducing fluff pieces, and shoddy appeals to a Middle America that none of them visited for longer than it took to get gas, the last of the Kennedys has announced he’ll be leaving Washington after November’s elections. Rhode Island Rep. Patrick Kennedy (son of Ted) has decided to not run for reelection in November, according to the AP. “When I made missteps or suffered setbacks, you responded not with contempt, but compassion. Thank you for all the times you lifted me up, pushed me forward and filled my heart with hope,” Kennedy said in a video to supporters, in reference to that one time he got hammered and crashed his car while serving the good, forgiving people of Rhode Island.
3.) Crist: Rubio cut from my cloth — In an effort to salvage a sinking Senate bid, Florida Gov. Charlie Crist has taken to saying he and opponent Marco Rubio are essentially the same person. Earlier this week, for instance, Crist–who was so happy to see stimulus money for Florida last year that he up and hugged Pres. Obama–sent around a video interview in which Rubio admitted, “Ultimately I would have accepted those portions of the [stimulus] money that would not have put Florida in a worse position off in the future than it is right now.” Next, Crist will likely release a list of their shared affinities (upside-down margarita shots, jumping on trampolines, telling ticked-off burly white guys where Washington can shove it) in hopes of further confusing the hell out of West Palm Beach voters.
4.) Detained missionaries hired wrong sex trafficker as council — A group of imprisoned Baptist missionaries who were scheduled to be freed yesterday by a Haitian judge are still in prison, thanks to their sex-trafficking lawyer. According to the New York Times, Judge Bernard Saint-Vil delayed releasing the Americans after getting word that El Salvadoran officials had “begun an investigation into whether a man suspected of leading a trafficking ring involving Central American and Caribbean women and girls is also a legal adviser to many of the Americans charged with trying to take 33 children out of Haiti without permission.” In response to the allegations, Jorge Puello told NYT reporters, “Bring the proof” then stepped into an elevator and hung up his phone.
5.) Climategate claims another scalp — Due to accusations of bias, Philip Campbell, editor of Nature magazine, was asked to resign his position on an official panel tasked with investigating the climate data debacle at University of East Anglia. “The scientists have not hidden the data. If you look at the emails there are one or two that are jargon,” Campbell is accused of saying during an interview on Chinese government-run radio show.
6.) Papa Christie takes away legislators’ allowance — New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie declared a fiscal emergency yesterday, slashing budgets and putting a freeze on all state spending. According to CBS, Christie argued that the state’s public transit agencies need to change “rich union contracts” and “consider service reductions or fare increases.” Advocates for increased government handouts, such as the Sierra Club’s Jeff Tittel, are rightfully outraged that Christie is trying to destroy not just New Jersey but all of Mother Earth. “It undermines not only the environment but our economy because people need transit to get to work,” Tittel said, perhaps unaware that public transit users up and down the coast have faced fare hikes over the last year without losing their jobs. Or their environments.